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Evening loves...
So, it HAS been a few days and I do apologize....however...life has been just a tad chaotic and I needed to take a little time to recenter myself and reflect on a few things and get my mind back into a place that it belongs...
It has been a LONG few days, emotional ones, confusing ones...in lots of ways...
i have realized its not just this divorce and relationship area of my life that i must evaluate, but all of them....
friendships, career, family, life in general..
i think its important when truly defining who you are, and trying to get back into a place that you had left for so long, that you take the time to really consider what belongs in it and what you need to do without...
and cutting ties in any area is never easy, especially when its not out of hate, anger or any such monster, but truly and only out of need to get YOU somewhere that is right for your wellbeing, peace of mind, and the pathway you are creating to journey down.
I have truly spent A LOT of time thinking these past days....maybe even too much...though in between, theres been some rocky points, that lead me right back to square one...
someone CONSTANTLY bashing you, does not make any decision, even the simplest of "whats for dinner"... come easily...it DOES screw with your mind(excuse the choice of words please, but bluntness is something NEEDED in the current circumstances)....
And then....petty things...little things that i usually let roll off of my back, have been really nagging at me inside recently...
I try not to "nit-pick" or expect ridiculous things of myself or others. I try to always be open and understanding and believe that we all have reasons for all of our words, and actions...
however...I too, just like anyone else...get hurt at times when i feel left out...or unacknowledged and hear things from others instead of a friend that i would think would always open up to me the same way i do them.(and let me say, that can be read wrong as if i am talking about ONE person...I AM NOT...i am talking all people in general, all friends, etc...for wording and sound reading purposes only, I chose the phrasing of that sentence...just to clarify.)
This whole thing is still semi-surreal to me....Everyday i really wake up, and have to take a minute to wrap my head around the fact that YES...this is happening...YES...this is my life...YES...it all really occurred...and YES...I have to deal with it again TODAY. UGH! Can i just mention how NOT FUN..any of this is??? And how sometimes i do wonder WHY I had to end up here....I do, just like everyone else, have my WHY moments...they pass...because i DO KNOW there are reasons...some unknown to me yet...but they exist just as much as the situation itself does. And as this all unfolds, some will become clearer and begin to make it all make sense to me....
I know its going to be a long road...and I strive to keep my focus strong and hold it all together..I do not want him or anyone for that matter to have the satisfaction of getting the best of me, while i am at my most vulnerable and weakest....
I do not think I will ever be able to make sense tho, of the true hate and detest that this man holds inside of him...the nerve he has to communicate the way he does...the words and names he uses...to say "i cannot wait until you are nothing more to me than a distant memory"...No matter how hard i try...I just cannot understand how, I ever made vows to someone that even had the potential to say these things to me, hurt me this way and continue to do so....and never saw it, or chose not to....that KILLS me. And of course, its easy to say...why would you tolerate it...why would you do this to yourself and put up with it...truthfully...I DONT KNOW....other than a made a promise to someone i loved and wanted to share my life and forever with....and held hope for better tomorrows....until tomorrows stopped coming....
I see so many people in worse situations than I was...and I truly feel so badly that they have not seen it thmeselves...I know we all get blinded at times and we all lose sight of ourselves, when we have someone else in the picture....but eventually you have to realize...you do not have love, or any form of it, if you are AT ALL compromising yourself, your beliefs, your life, for another...in any way, at all. Compromise is for arguments and peace agreements...not to take away from who you are or what you want and believe....REMEMBER the difference...and draw the line....make yourself MATTER TO YOU most of all.
until tomorrow....<3
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