MY Project 365....my life ever after....((day 39))

This is definitely gonna be a quickie...because my bed is calling me....its been a LONG day...after the LONG night last night...
And then JUST when i think things are getting settled i have to deal with Taylors father....
So lets recap here QUICKLY....
One...last night was BAD..and i dealt with a LOT..and still really am dealing with that...words were exchanged with someone tht i never thought would be....and it left a mark...and big one....but thats all that needs said about that....
Now...HIM....
UGH..so let me make this easy....i have custody of taylor...as i should....she goes every other weekend and then on a summer schedule....now here is the thing...her FATHER has not picked her up in a minimum of 2 years...nor for the two weeks that she is home has he called her....he is quick to tell me that i always want a fight...then a few weeks ago he wanted me back So after being screamed at by his gf...i told her all of this..and sent her the messages...point fingers in your own home not here
then the last time she was down there she stayed til monday because they were off school...
ok fine...i scheduled her pick up time...
well his Girlfriend didnt like the time..mind you he was at work...so he would not have been with her..i had class and she had homework and on top of the fact that she needed fed and a bath etc for school the following day...
this started a whole ordeal with me being a bad mother and so on (from the gf....)
well...now....again heard nothing for two weeks....til this morning his mother called and said that she didnt have a way to get taylor tomorrow..i said no biggie of course shes FINE at home....obviously!!!!
well now at ten oclock he texts me to say his gf will get her...and that i need to be there early cause she has to work..ok..so where is taylor going to be??? if neither of you will be home???
i try to call...well "i cannot be civil..oh and now i want to be"...NO WAIT i am civil...but i am also logical when it comes to my child and he is mad that his gf knows the TRUTH....so i am EVIL so he told me and he has no respect and all i want to do is fight...(mind you this is a show in front of her..because we have been fine while he has been telling me how much he misses me....) UGHHHHHHHHHHHH
so hes like you can text me the time and hangs up...
NO...i wont...and i informed his parents to let him know that...
i have bent over backwards...i have raised this child...i got belittled for going to school ONE night yet...its ok that hes NEVE around, never calls and never gets her...but i am the one keeping her from him???
WTF
i just know this...i am NOT the one playing both sides of the field...i am not the one with the alcohol and drug charges..i can PROVE how he NEVER calls this kid....how he has NOT at all supported her...and how everything is always twisted on me....
and i am not doing this anymore....i cannot!!!!
its NOT ok.....
this is my life....it never stops...one thing is always right into the other...
alright i am done venting...for now

MY Project 365....my life ever after....((day 38))

Evening All...

OHHHHHH so where to begin this evening.....WOW....
Its been a DAY to say the least...i still do not feel well AT ALL....but I am trying to push thru that and get some things done as well as some studying...finals next week...cannot believe it all went that fast...crazy!!!
So...lets focus tho..cause its been awhile since i last really went off on a little rant..and i am thinking that now is just about the best time as ANY!!!...So buckle up...
in the midst of this crazy yet not so busy (yeah its been a really back and forth) kind of day...and talking to a friend...I realized that I am not alone in my feelings that..when life throws you some major curveballs and when some things come crashing down...you truly and quickly do..find out WHO your friends are...and the kicker is...OFTEN...its not the ones that you thought as, from the get go!
It doesnt take much to ask how someone is...you do not have to be able to relate to a situation or a circumstance to genuinely care about another..you do not have to have the answers or all of the words....to just offer YOURSELF...thats enough...
But it seems...that just the opposite happens more so than not..and its like, you wonder, how these people would feel should you totally and completely flip the situation...to lose something in their lives or hit a really big bump and at the same time, turn around to see that in every way of the word...you are standing alone.
I think...that even given my situation and the MILLION things that i have going on...I have still been there for those that have needed me...and when i sit back and think about it...and try to recollect...i find it hard to even remember the last time that they asked me if i was ok....
And truthfully, honestly and you know me BLUNTLY...it pisses me off!!!
I am not one to hold a tally card or to keep score...I dont deduct point and i certainly have never turned my back on a soul...but i have come to realize...that there is such as thing as being too nice, that you cannot make everyone happy and that no matter how hard you try...there is always going to be someone trying to bring that down and take it away from you...
I have spent too many hours, trying to be the better person and trying to make sure I am fair to everyone...I have wasted so much time not putting myself first....and really, should you have to ASK your friends to ask how you are???? WHAT???!???
Well, no worries...let me just let you in quickly..that I am FINE...I have my days...we all do...everyone of us is going thru something or another...but I am good. I have far more blessings than many and I count them daily! I am not doing without anything...and I am pushing myself harder than i ever have....
I will get to where I am meant to be and continue to climb higher...because that is who I am!! and i do LOVE me!!! and i continue to love and appreciate myself more daily....something i put on the backburner far too long.
So to those that like to read about my life...but care not enough to ask....to those that i have been there for while my lifes been upside down...too all of you reading this now...
Evaluate carefully your intentions....because I can make one promise certain....i will be closing many doors...this is my time to heal...and those that are causing me pain, bringing me down, or that we have grown apart...its time to seal up those wounds, make amends or retreat separate ways...I wish no one absolutely nothing but the very best... always...every road in life takes us somewhere...and eventually that somewhere will be the right place...and be absolutely beautiful!

MY Project 365....my life ever after....((day 35-37))

Good Evening Lovers...
So....its awful "early" in the night for one of my blogs...BUT....I am supposed to be "resting" ((i got hit with one hell of a cold this morning...and i am just about drained..with far too much to do))...so i did put down the scissors and thread, and clicked the light off on the machine...however, anyone that KNOWS me, knows that being still, laying around, resting...are far from relaxation for me..it truly makes me CRAZY....I have to be do something...and can never be doing nothing...so...I am compromising, by blogging, catching up on emails, some studying and maybe writing some patterns....
I spent some time today revamping the blog..making it even more "me" and adding some fabulous new links over to the Lounge..make sure to check them out!!! Its a FABULOUS place full of so much talent and there is absolutely something for everyone..and if not...dont be afraid to ask, we can do our best to create it! Valerie is absolutely FABULOUS to work with and has accomplished so very much!!
Now...enough small talk....
i am just gonna take tonite to catch everyone up over the past few days....and then I am going to go back to hitting on some topics in the next few days....
Lets see...everything i think, is starting to fall into place...I have been focusing hard on school...in the final stretch here and I just cannot believe how fast it went!!! I am not going to stop there though...and i had intentions of heading towards finishing the bachelors in nursing this fall...BUT....after careful conversation wtih the Dr. we are still debating that option...should that fail though, I have no intention to quit...I plan on just swinging into criminal justice and with my 2 years of prelaw, i am pretty sure I can make it work...either way, I have every intention to show myself and TAYLOR...just how much you can achieve, even by yourself, as long as you have motivation and you push yourself....and believe me...I make her do that now...education is important...and so is drive and determination...its important to have dreams and goals and to always want to do better than before...and ANYONE can do it!!!! Excuses are not valid reasons!!
Crafting is also keeping me more than occupied and i absolutely love to create...I even keep a pad by the bed now, as i have an extremely hard time falling asleep at night...but have found that ideas come to me and I am quick to write them down...craft show season is upon us, and I am absolutely having a blast working with all the ladies of Luthers Lounge!!!
I could not really tell you what step of the divorce we are on exactly right now...but..things are going smoothly still...we are able to communicate..and I have found complete peace in all that is happening...
Somedays are easier then others and lonliness rears its head occasionally...BUT...i get thru it...and I am stronger EVERYTIME!!!
Its been a fabulous time for me to reflect on life and relationships...and to learn that often people are not who we think...and one day at a time, I am determining, who belongs and who doesnt...and trust me its never anything personal...well its personal to ME!!!!
until tomorrow...<3

MY Project 365....my life ever after....((day 32-34))

Skipped a few days here again and i usually DO NOT blog on the weekends...but i do have a lot on my mind...and i feel as though its best to get it out....and get on....
I dont wanna touch to many nerves or hit hard anywhere..but so much lately has just had me totally taken back...i have learned that a majority of friendships are either a one way street and most that do have the 2 way, once you really look the one is only about as wide as a bicycle lane...
Now...to each their own and I totally grasp that EVERYONE of us is different...and has our own thoughts, opinions and way to deal with things...
we all live our lives UNIQUELY...and I appreciate that..however i do think there are some FINE lines and I do think that we often (well if WE CARE) need to carefully look both ways before we cross them.
I am grateful for all of the friends that  I have in my life....and feel blessed to have the ones that I do....but often, lately more so than not, when life became crazy, loss became HUGE and dreams began to shatter...i find as tho, sometimes even those you are closest too, really are not exactly what you assumed they were.
And i cannot say its anyones fault or a bad thing...because like i said we all value life and friends and so forth differently...but I can say, I have spent more time in tears lately over friendships that I am unsure of, more so than the divorce that i am going thru....
"unsure" is maybe not the proper terming, so perhaps take that a grain of salt...for lack of better wording at the moment....its just...difficult i guess to realize you sit at uneven priority levels...
Maybe a part of it...is that I care so genuinely about my friends, especially my closest ones...that I set standards that perhaps are unimportant to others...however..sometimes i think common courtesy plays just as much a role in the whole charade!
i have also noticed that a lot of us say one thing while doing, meaning and being another...and so many of us lack even the smallest ounce of originality..instead we conform to those we are around at the moment...and that changes just as easily as those revolving doors turn round.
Keep in mind anyone can only do this for so long...as one day, those that you follow, may be too far ahead...and you will be the one who ends up lost.
Life only happens ONCE...and i support and admire anyone that has the courage to take it HEAD ON. Strong women are far less than the weak..
We all need to evaluate ourselves, our relationships and to determine the ones that are worth having and when we do...make sure we make it clear that they do matter to us. LIFE doesnt stop for anyone and it only takes a split second to lose everything.
And remember...sometimes people do need to know who they can count on...so make sure they do...do not be a hypocrite situation dependent...I am just walking a really thin line here lately and so close to throw in the towel on so many. It may even just be me....but...then and still...right now...i have to do whats best for me...to in anyway move on with life....

MY Project 365....my life ever after....((day 31))

Evening...
WOW...its been a LONG day...from the drive to breezewood this morning, thru the afternoon, class and night...UGH...I am BEAT. I am spending a little wind down time here on the blog...and then i am hitting the hay at probably the earliest i have in MONTHS!!!! (falling asleep though, will be a whole different story..that usually takes a few hours...)
Things are still going alright i suppose..as ok as they can be..and as smoothly as actually possible. Chris and I actually had a conversation the other day...I am not sure if i mentioned that last night or not...and though it was hard for me to fight thru the tears during it...I am happy that we actually made it to that point, far from where we started and hopefully a better avenue to where we are going...
I do not regret any of what is happening...AT ALL. It has a reason and I KNOW that we were not meant to be..I know that if I dwell on missed opportunities, and maybes...or try to fix something that is irreparably broken, I am only going to lead myself down a whole new road of heartache and pain...and its not something I care to do, nor do i want to take for granted or dismiss the strength, courage, wisdom and self respect that i have gained!
I am content with my life...most of it at least and the parts that are not there yet, I focus on daily...Somedays that comes easier than others...however...I still get there, whether it just shows up knocking at the door or I have to push, drag and tug myself towards it!
I have a whole new outlook and a focus that drives me....I know who I am...and I like this person. I know what I value and what i believe...I know where I have been, and I know where I am...and i trust God to get me where I am going!
Its not easy to put yourself in the shoes of a situation that you have not experienced and I ask NO ONE to do so....and I certainly will never ask for a drop of pity or any sort of sympathy...because its NOT needed. I just ask for courtesy, loyalty and friends. Its not much, yet sometimes is so hard to find or receive.
All i want is peace...simple peace. No one can make everyone happy all of the time..and honestly, none of us can spend the time making that our constant goal...because I promise (from experience) by doing that, you are knicking away at little pieces of yourself.....stay true to who you are...and let life, love, friends and everything else be what it will be...eventually everything has a very funny(sometimes not so humorous) way of working itself out! We will all get there someday!!
Soon much of this will be behind me....and a door of my past that i can fully close and preferably lock...and until then, I will take the struggles with the strides and the tears with the smiles....
My blessings are what matter most and they are more plentiful than not. They keep me going and keep me strong! I have reasons!!! And reasons bring results!
Everyday, take some time...if only a few minutes for you...reflect, remember, refocus and reinforce...
Reflect on your day, your situation or your life...what it was, what it is, what your choices and options are...and how to make the best of all of them for yourself.
Remember...what got you to right now...who you are...and NEVER compromise it...for ANYONE.
Refocus....on your goals, your needs, wants and wills. Try to see yourself as others do and how you want to be perceived..make your adjustments and understand that you need to explain them to anyone...YOU are a wonderful YOU!
Reinforce all of the answers, thoughts, strengths, that you just discovered thru this small daily exercise...remind yourself of them and stay true to it...and you!
No one knows you better than you know yourself...and you will always be your own very best friend. Be faithful, honest and loyal to YOU....life will begin to have a whole new clarity...DREAM BIG!
until tomorrow<3 love you all!

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email me your suggestions for topics (ANYTHING), questions you would like an opinion on...or whatever else you may want to see in these pages..I prefer not to do this alone!!!
www.speakuporshutupblog@gmail.com
xxooo

MY Project 365....my life ever after....((day 28-30))

Evening all....
I took another weekend break, because i had a TON of sewing and stuff to get done!!! I actually did accomplish a lot and I guess that is a good thing. Keeping busy keeps my mind from the constant and continuous turning that often consumes it going thru all of these things...
I still cannot pretend that one bit of this is easy or that I have any clue when its going to get better...
Do i have my strength? Certainly. I get thru my days, and I catch myself smiling...I enjoy my daughter more than ever and can count my blessings for the things that i do have which are abundant and many!
I have a good life and a positive outlook, a great family and a beautiful angel to go thru EVERYDAY with...and thats already far more than i could ever ask for.
However, when you are slapped in the face with a HUGE loss, and thats what the ending of a marriage is...and there is no way to sugar coat it....a whole bunch of other things get put into perspective.
I dont like to walk on eggshells to talk about my feelings...and so I am going to take a few minutes and put a bunch of them out there...I am not doing this to offend anyone..I am doing it to RELEASE what I need to in my blog..remember in advance that you CHOOSE to read it....you do not have to like it or agree. This is for me, about me...Just like ALL of you I am entitled to my feelings..and I feel they are valid ones. I will state them, and then that will be that. I dont live for the past, so once I clear my chest and lift this weight from my shoulders i will free myself from it and move forward, as I have been doing throughout ALL of this the best that I can.
A time like this, in life, You need people more than you normally would. You need to know that there are ones that you can count on and depend on. Even the strongest of souls, fall sometimes...and its in those times it would be nice to know that there was someone...anyone, that cared enough to pick them up.
I can say I do have some good friends...yet sometimes I still think there is a fine line between who I am and they are.
Do not get me wrong...we are all different...we have different beliefs and values..etc...
However..i know...that I try to be the BEST friend that I can be to all. It may be in different ways but I do everything that I can and then some. The minute i think someone is upset, i try to find the reason and offer solutions and advice or just an ear and a shoulder!
Sometimes, more so lately though, I find that maybe with some that is too much to ask in return.
Not often do we realize that our actions, even a lack of communication, could truly hurt someone that is already down. Not often enough do we take the time to make sure another is alright...or offer more of ourselves to them...because they need it. For a minute pretend its you that lost your husband the person that was your best friend and who you were to share forever with...pretend you have a child(which THANK GOD for her...my lifes greatest blessing)....but then thats all that you had. Because you find yourself day after day sitting alone, no one to really talk to....and it does HURT. Especially when you know how much and in how many ways you have tried to help these people and you find yourself wondering why...they are not trying to help you.
I dont need constant entertainment...and i dont need to sit in a bar every weekend....thats not who i am...I am going to be 30 years old in 2 years and i am a mother..and in no way is that my life...or how i want my life to be...but coffee, girl talk, comfort and friends,,,an occassional glass of wine and some laughs and even tears...is it too much to ask for?
My mother has always told me to treat others how they treat me...and to treat others how i want to be treated...since the door only seems to swing one way with the latter anymore...perhaps I need to use the "how others treat me" approach more.
its hard to think after all this time and all these years...everyone wants to "know" all about it, when the divorce first comes up, because of course thats interesting BIG news (and we are all guilty of that)...but to ONLY want to know that...and really not much more...seems to leave me in an even uglier place...
This is HARD. All of it. And i wish that NONE of you ever have to travel this road...because there is nothing fun about it...I do have pride for the strides that i have made, and for the efforts i continue to focus on....
However, I KNOW i have to rid my life of EVERY negative, painful thing that I can...in order to fully heal and really  move forward. I never thought I would have to evaluate my circle of friends...yet....I guess at some points in life we all have to do something like that....
You do learn the difference quickly between those that throw labels around and those that really are YOUR BEST friends...
And i mean this for anyone that has ever gone thru, is going thru or God Forbid does end up going thru a similar situation (because i promise..not always do you see it coming...and not always do things turn out the way that you think they will...).....try to offer what you can to someone and what you would want offered to you....because you never know when it may be YOU that needs it!!!! And, remember, to not point fingers and not get angry, when in retrospect, its no more than what you yourself have done.....
For those that matter...i love you. for those that care...thank you..for those that offer...i appreciate you! and for those forever...ALWAYS!
until tomorrow...<3
((please remember if you are reading the blog...FOLLOW the blog...i am sharing my life, thoughts and disasters with you....so give me a little courtesy!....email comments, questions, topics to speakuporshutupblog@gmail.com))
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
((as long as class goes smoothly tomorrow...etc....I will be back with normal life topics etc....thanks for reading))

MY Project 365....my life ever after....((day 27))

So I am fully ready and intended on focusing myself here for certain the next few days...the past few have been borderline crazy....school, taylor, divorce, crafts, life, etc....adds up to A LOT at times...but I am balancing it all the best that I can...sometimes its easier said than done..but truth be told..i would not have it any other way.

I definitely want to get some rest tonite...so I am not going to go into a full on rant (expect that tomorrow LOL)..i need the sleep this evening..and I am so looking forward to my 5 hours of straight alone time, and crafting tomorrow and am determined to get A LOT done. So tonight..is just for me...(of course please enjoy the reading...as long as its REALLy for the RIGHT reasons....<we will hit on that one some more tomorrow>..

Life can leave you breathless sometimes...and I am not talking in the "he took my breath away sense"..i am saying...WHEW! I'm EXHAUSTED and sometimes there is just so much going on at once...

I do have to say tho...things are really peaceful right now for me...though I am overwhelmed, working so hard in so many areas and on so many things, enjoying every bit or parenting my beautiful and intelligent little girl...I feel very calm in the same sense....

Things were rocky there for a while too long of a while at the beginning of this whole "lets get a divorce, that you never thought in a million years would happen"..adventure my life decided to take me on...bickering, fighting, yelling...UGH...aren't those the reasons to not be together..so WHY would i want to indulge in this after separating...however...things have been going far more smoothly...compromising...agreeing...understanding...and just breathing again..and I have to say, it brings a whole new light and a much better outlook and perspective.

I have said it countless times, that I cannot imagine "this is my life..." this is my "marriage"...well end of my marriage...I truly never thought, this would be me....

BUT....life has other plans...and accepting that is more than half of the battle.....and I am so far past that hump that I am just so very ready to close the book, lock it up, duct tape it for extra security and JUST MOVE ON.

I have to say 90% of every situation is how you choose to take it, react to it, deal with it and what you make of it...if you let the situation make you, let it alter your beliefs, or compromise your feelings...if you react in anger instead of self responsibility..this is when you hit those walls, the bottom nears and sometimes, you just get all swallowed up by it all.

That is not me though, nor will it ever be. Life is not a contest nor a blame game. We could all spend all of our everydays picking those sort of things apart...but my already full days, have no sort of space for all of that negative energy...because who ends up hurt with any of that?...YOU!

We have to understand no matter what it is in our life that is going on...you can focus, decide and determine how you want to look at it, deal with it and think about it...and you yourself then can be gifted with a peaceful, harmonious outcome...instead of all the repetitive pain, nagging thoughts and emotions and anger.

To me those things are a waste of too many smiles and you then allow yourself to miss out on so much good....take everyday and everything for what its worth...nothing more nothing less....it all just is what it is....

and BREATHE. 

until tomorrow....<3

NOTCIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

hey dolls...i just wanted to take a second to let you all know, that i have not forgotten about the blog. Or any of my amazing readers!!!
Its been a CRAZY busy week...but i have LOTS to write to you all about..and am so looking forward to it!! So...hang tight..and once i get thru class this evening..i will be back in full swing...possibly with multiple posts....
please remember to take the time to FOLLOW the blog..all you have to do is click the link!
check out some of googles ads on my page...
and remember to communicate with me @ speakuporshutupblog@gmail.com i really want to hear your stories, so i have MORE to share...answer your questions and hit topics that you want to hear about...
i know not all of us are so fragrant about our opinions as i am...but i will put myself out there for anything...
until later on.<3

MY Project 365....my life ever after....((day 24-26))

so i took most of the weekend off..i wanted to spend it pretty much uninterrupted with my angel and to focus on myself and some things that i needed to get straightened out..and that is what i did. quiet and peaceful..at least as much can be given the current situation...
Anyways....
I did want to get back to writing tonite and wanted to focus on self perspective and outlooks...but i am not sure I am even prepared to divulge into that this evening...
But...i am going to give it a try...
Its so hard to see people intentionally put and leave themselves in terrible, hurtful, situations...ones where the only place they are traveling is downward. we can do this in many aspects of life...work, friendships, relationships, whatever the case may be...but the end result for all is just simply self destruction over something that we should have changed long ago.
I have been guilty of this in the past and that is why i feel i have the grounds to write about it...to be able to look at the pictures as a whole and to decipher the differences...You, we all, should be able to look at our lives and be happy with them...and if we are not...we need to adjust them. We need to be self sufficient and use a little strength...even thru the pain, to come out somewhere better and somewhere healthier.
Everyday in life is not going to be a good one..and obviously there is a difference between that and what i am talking about....somedays, we are all going to despise a job. or, argue with our mate...or have something regarding a friend irritate us...but these are passable facts of life, and actually help to round it all out...because no where on this other does any sort of perfection exist.
What i am referring to are those who knowingly leave or continue to replace themselves in a harmful, hurtful, ugly situation and choose to remain there, out of fear...or lack of self confidence and perhaps, some sort of dependency. Its nice to be able to DEPEND on things and people in our lives, its different to be DEPENDENT on them.
Its not an excuse..
At what point in life do we become responsible for our actions?? And at what point do we open our own eyes, pull back the fingers of blame and stand up for something that we believe in?
We only get one chance at this lifetime...one go around of so many years that in the long run and with the speed of time...truly amount to not much at all.
Spend it, as much as you can of it, smiling. Even in times of heartache, you will feel a small twitch of the corners of your mouth turning upward, even in the midst of tears, if you know, you took those pretty little legs of yours and stood on them.
There are so many valuable lessons that this life has to offer, but when you are stuck in a place that you honestly do not belong, you are going to miss out on so many.
Everything happens for a reason, and in life we only get what we allow. We choose how we allow ourselves to be treated, talked to, cared for..etc
Make your lives worth it...share them with those who matter. Find something that you love to do and do it. We can all achieve our dreams in some form of them!
until tomorrow...

MY Project 365....my life ever after....((day 23))

Well....its definitely been a LONG day to say the very least...a trying one...especially on the patience on some many different levels...but with clear thoughts, and a clear head...I will leave it all as it is...because the petty nonsense is not something that I am fond of, as well all know. There are two sides to every story...and each of us holds our opinions, values and beliefs differently....
I am suprised at myself for letting things strike so many nerves...because that is not who I am...nor who i want to be...its a trying time in life right now though, as well all know and one that occasionally things are a little more difficult to allow to just "roll of the back"...
However, I did promise...that I was ridding negative from my life..and that is precisely what I will continue to strive to do...of course there will be moments of weakness and slips along that path...however, i am usually pretty good with the speedy recovery and can get right back on track without too much hesitation...
I want to make it VERY clear that I value, as always anyone and everyone's thoughts and opinions. Ambition and drive is such a valuable asset to an individual and I applaud anyone that has either of the two if not both.
There are not any two of us that are always going to agree on everything...and with that same idea in mind...there are many times where something becomes our inspiration and focus and can be shared on a common ground.
i try to choose those steps of mine carefully, as I try at all costs to avoid stepping on anothers toes...it gets a little painful sometimes and none of us want that sort of injury, to ourselves, our egos or our confidence...
I think it absolutely imperative that we all find our individuality and use that to build our character, and our goals...
With that being said...and like i fore mentioned there are always another set of views and ideas and perhaps, thats where we should leave it and just accept. What hits some of us as an insult perhaps was not meant the way it seemed and vice versa and more time should be spent acknowledging the other side of the words that we speak so that perhaps we can gain a better insight and a deeper perspective on how we may feel in a similar situation.
I am more than flattered by anyone that is inspired in anyway from my writings...I am even more inspired by those that will share their own opinions on them and views....if you disagree, i love a challenge and absolutely love to hear other points besides my own...
I am NOT a perfect person..and i do NOT live to be one...i error, i make mistakes and just like anyone else, have slips of judgment at times...What i can say about MYSELF is that i OWN that, and all that i do, with pride. I take the good and the bad as it comes and do what i can with it to make it make sense to me...
I do not have the answers to everything in the world, just thoughts and opinions...i voice them, because i firmly stand by the idea that our voice is our greatest strength the one thing that gives us the greatest power. TO BE HEARD!
Now that i have gotten all of that off of my chest, in an appropriate and well mannered way...I would like to take one minute to "apologize" for my lapse of judgement today, when i did allow myself to vent on facebook..something that i am not keen on..that is NOT who i am by any means..however..WE ALL are guilty of the same from time to time...and I too can admit that as one of MY imperfections...just sometimes...the nerve that gets struck just wasnt a good one that day.
I am fine...relaxed...and calm. I will continue to do what i do. how i do it and for the reasons that i do it: for myself...(the reason for this 3-6-5 project of mine..)...to grow....to allow you all in and to throw some perspective and light on subjects that i have experienced first hand, witnessed first hand...and have a passionate force about!!!
love you all.
<3 until tomorrow....

((remember to click the follow button...i know PLENTY of you read daily...so let me SEE who you are LOL))...you guys gotta share a little too ;)

email suggestions, thoughts, questions, rants, raves, whatevers to : speakuporshutupblog@gmail.com
I AM WAIIIIITTTTTTIIIIINNNNGGGGGGGG! <,please and thanks>> xo

MY Project 365....my life ever after....((day 22))

Good evening loves....

i definitely wanted to make some time tonite to keep on track and not have to jam a million days, thoughts and ideas into one post...so much goes thru this head of mine i can barely keep up with it at all....

i am still hoping that you will all start joining in..clicking to follow the blog...sharing with friends..and sending me your stories, ideas and questions...I like putting my life out there for all of you...so a little humor, a small suggestions or an interesting tale from time to time would greatly be appreciated!!! ( speakuporshutupblog@gmail.com)

Alright...moving on from the harassment of all you NOSEY people that LOVE to hear about my absolutely borderline psychotic life...my infamous, random and absolutely LOUD rants....and all that other stuff that falls in between...we will carry on now with what we came here to do.....
Talk...(and yes i do talk to myself, make faces, laugh, cry, yell, fidget etc, while my words flow from my opinionated brain thru my finger and wind up on this pretty little screen...where we all find some common ground....
I said tonite i wanted to talk about friends...and i definitely do...i have hit on the subject a FEW times in my postings and I figured, what the hell...let's just dedicate a post to the subject (this is where you can all feel free to start SHARING....you see i am good at harassing.....)
Before i begin, i will preset the tone and intention...and make it known and clear:
1.) NO i am NOT talking about anyone in particular
2.) If i was to call you out (not typically my style) I would have forwarned you, mentioned it DIRECTLY to you, by saying, hey my blogs about ya....etc
3.) From time to time we will ALL relate to something that someone else says, does, writes, etc...and this happens because it strikes a nerve within us, or a subject hits close to home, or in someway we feel we can relate to whats being said in general...when this happens..its again NOT because i called you out..its because, well there is obviously an area of your life that my opinions, thoughts and words found a place to call home and then in fact thats an area that you may want to evaluate or leave alone..idk...i am not inside your head...however...I am just wanting to make this all clear...
Now, that, that too is out of the way...we can get a moving:
FRIENDS;
I could actually probably write a book on this subject..because i think there is so many variations of the word, i firmly believe to all of us it means something different...and sometimes we think differently of others because they dont act as tho we think a friend should...but after a lot of thinking, i have realized...is there really a certain "standard" for how one friend is to act? Or is it really just our expectations and lack of acceptance of how another is...and furthermore, if we are not particularly fond of this way of the other, is that not maybe really our problem and not theirs??
Before I confuse you any further with my array of outlooks on this and situations to set it in...i will say what i think friends should be..what they are to me...the kind i want in my life...
I think friendship is absolutely one of the most valuable things that you can receive in life and also one of the best that you can give....and i value my friends..all of them with a universal RESPECT. I respect their ideas, their opinions, their thoughts and their views...whether we are casual friends, or best friends i RESPECT you the same...
My love changes varying on the person..and my closest friends i can count on a hand..I dont think life is a popularity contest and i dont think that in my life i will ever need it to be...
I like being able to fully KNOW those that I am truly close to...to understand them and have them understand me...to be able to talk to them and not have to watch my tone or my words.
i think its extremely important to be able to be honest with friends and be able to say how you feel, why you feel it, and them accept that...No one, ever has to agree with me...I sometimes even prefer that they do not...I respect the opinions of others and like to get anothers insight or view that differs from mine...it gives you a better understanding of people in general, personalities and so forth.
Now, for me...especially at this pivotal point of my life...where i have this chance to make all the adjustments that i need to and move forward on a clean and empty slate....
I have realized...that perhaps some i thought i knew..i never really did...some i care for, far more than i thought and of course there will always be the ones that "just matter most".
All i ask of anyone, any friend..in my life, is this: Treat me HOW you want treated..be honest with me and do not shy away from confrontation...rather than hide your feelings and thoughts behind anger, vengence and ignorance, talk to me...be open with me...I WILL LISTEN..ALWAYS. I may not always want to hear what I am hearing...I may sometimes not understand why...however...i will respect you, and appreciate you far more than anyone that i cannot speak my mind to in fear or some sort of bashing, "cut-off" or retaliation.
We all talk about others, its a fact of life...but i can tell you this...anything i say to someone about another..I have said to them..not verbatum, but i have made myself clear and my thoughts clear...
I do not think its fair to discuss another in lack of presence without having the courage to have said what you needed to, to that person....
We all have our moments...but i have learned so certainly that it only takes ONE moment for everything in your life to change!!!
So, for yourselves, think about who you have in your life, why they are there...who you can count on and who you should count out...not out of spite or pettiness but rather to create a healthier, more meaningful life for yourself, to strengthen the relationships you know will last or that you want to last...and to let go of anything that may hold you back....
Being nice to everyone all the time only goes so far...because life needs to be a two way street...value whats important and hold tight to it...make it known...and show gratitude and appreciation...
be thankful if you have ONE friend that not afraid to tell you the truth..even a truth you dont want to hear, or one that stings....its those friends that you need to hang onto...because without them....you may never hear somethings that could change your life! <3
until tomorrow.....<3

Speak Up or Shut Up: MY Project 365....my life ever after....((days 18-...

Speak Up or Shut Up: MY Project 365....my life ever after....((days 18-...: "Ok...Hey all... So i think we are back on track now.... and hoping to stay that way. Just like anyone else, life catches up to even me somet..."

MY Project 365....my life ever after....((days 18-21))

Ok...Hey all...
So i think we are back on track now....
and hoping to stay that way. Just like anyone else, life catches up to even me sometimes...and in that time i have to occasionally put something on hold...past few days happened to be the blog...
However, i have been DYING to write...so I am fully armed and ready!! ;)
Though with so many things to going thru this head of mine at once...its hard to decide just what direction we should go tonite....
I guess, since it is MY blog (lol..hint of truth, hint of sarcasm, dose of humor....) we will start with me and this crazy rollercoaster, ride that i am so greatly looking forward to the screeching hault!
Life has been ....alright...not perfect...not without bumps...but alright...i can see a light at the end of the tunnel and i can actually breathe, for myself...and not question who i am....
Its nice to wake up and know that, the day belongs to you...your life belongs to you and YOU decide who is in it, who you give the time to, who you lend yourself too...etc...
To me I am a whole new person again...though, i have not changed..i have just brought back exactly who i am! And I LOVE this person!!!!
I have my moments...i corrected myself earlier when i said, i have my days...because its never days...never a day..i would never give the satisfaction of my tears, heartache, sadness or loss a DAY...moments...but they pass...and i realize thru it still that i am OK...and I am SO much better off!
Though, I must say I am more than ready for it to all be over, to really be JESSICA PFUHL again, to get out there, get back fully into life in every way, meet some new people and let life take me where i am meant to be!!!  I am actually pretty grateful for ALL of this...because its taught me a lot...a lot about life, a lot about change, a lot about love and a lot about ME...i have learned so much more about friends, and how to let go of the past...i have gained new insights and strengthened old ones...
The unexpected can happen...and it does...in different ways for different folks in different times...however...no matter what comes and goes in life...its all in how we look at it, deal with it, learn from it and grow from it.
I refuse to make this situation of mine a fingerpointing pissing contest...i too will take responsibility for it. Maybe in different ways, maybe in different aspects...however, we all are responsible for ourselves, and tho sometimes its hard, have no right to judge any other...even those that hurt us. Karma exists for that reason and the simple laws of physics..what goes up must come down...what goes around comes back....I want to make sure what i get back is good, so i remain optimisitic, hopeful and aware.....
But, enough about me...
let talk, about the changes....
i revamped the blog...i have allowed google to advertise on it...and i am still looking for any of you to share anything at all that you want...whether it be a question that you would like some insight on about yourself, or another...(remember, you can remain anonymous just inform me in the email that you would like to)
(( speakuporshutupblog@gmail.com )) Stories. Ideas, Things that you wold like me to write about,, discuss...etc...i am open to it all and  think by doing that we can get so many more people involved and maybe even give so many more people the insight on just the things that they were looking for...
I also want to start to run some contests and giveaways...i am still working out all the details...however...i am going to start the first one when we reach 25 followers...so make sure on the blog main page that you are reading..you click to follow my posts....
tell you friends, share the site...spread the word,
I dont want to spend just a year discussing me...i absolutely want to share it with all of you...but want you all to share with me....
until TOMORROW (and i do mean tomorrow....TOPIC: FRIENDS....<<so if any of you have anything for that subject..PLEASSSSSSSSE send it to me..questions; thoughts;l areas you think should be hit on, send them over>> and i will do my best with all of it....from now on i will put the next days subject at the ending just like this...and feel free to add to, send questions, ask question, add input, or bring up topics....>>
take care all!

MY Project 365....my life ever after....((day 15, 16, 17))

Evening loves...
So, it HAS been a few days and I do apologize....however...life has been just a tad chaotic and I needed to take a little time to recenter myself and reflect on a few things and get my mind back into a place that it belongs...
It has been a LONG few days, emotional ones, confusing ones...in lots of ways...
i have realized its not just this divorce and relationship area of my life that i must evaluate, but all of them....
friendships, career, family, life in general..
i think its important when truly defining who you are, and trying to get back into a place that you had left for so long, that you take the time to really consider what belongs in it and what you need to do without...
and cutting ties in any area is never easy, especially when its not out of hate, anger or any such monster, but truly and only out of need to get YOU somewhere that is right for your wellbeing, peace of mind, and the pathway you are creating to journey down.
I have truly spent A LOT of time thinking these past days....maybe even too much...though in between, theres been some rocky points, that lead me right back to square one...
someone CONSTANTLY bashing you, does not make any decision, even the simplest of "whats for dinner"... come easily...it DOES screw with your mind(excuse the choice of words please, but bluntness is something NEEDED in the current circumstances)....
And then....petty things...little things that i usually let roll off of my back, have been really nagging at me inside recently...
I try not to "nit-pick" or expect ridiculous things of myself or others. I try to always be open and understanding and believe that we all have reasons for all of our words, and actions...
however...I too, just like anyone else...get hurt at times when i feel left out...or unacknowledged and hear things from others instead of a friend that i would think would always open up to me the same way i do them.(and let me say, that can be read wrong as if i am talking about ONE person...I AM NOT...i am talking all people in general, all friends, etc...for wording and sound reading purposes only, I chose the phrasing of that sentence...just to clarify.)
This whole thing is still semi-surreal to me....Everyday i really wake up, and have to take a minute to wrap my head around the fact that YES...this is happening...YES...this is my life...YES...it all really occurred...and YES...I have to deal with it again TODAY. UGH! Can i just mention how NOT FUN..any of this is??? And how sometimes i do wonder WHY I had to end up here....I do, just like everyone else, have my WHY moments...they pass...because i DO KNOW there are reasons...some unknown to me yet...but they exist just as much as the situation itself does. And as this all unfolds, some will become clearer and begin to make it all make sense to me....
I know its going to be a long road...and I strive to keep my focus strong and hold it all together..I do not want him or anyone for that matter to have the satisfaction of getting the best of me, while i am at my most vulnerable and weakest....
I do not think I will ever be able to make sense tho, of the true hate and detest that this man holds inside of him...the nerve he has to communicate the way he does...the words and names he uses...to say "i cannot wait until you are nothing more to me than a distant memory"...No matter how hard i try...I just cannot understand how, I ever made vows to someone that even had the potential to say these things to me, hurt me this way and continue to do so....and never saw it, or chose not to....that KILLS me. And of course, its easy to say...why would you tolerate it...why would you do this to yourself and put up with it...truthfully...I DONT KNOW....other than a made a promise to someone i loved and wanted to share my life and forever with....and held hope for better tomorrows....until tomorrows stopped coming....
I see so many people in worse situations than I was...and I truly feel so badly that they have not seen it thmeselves...I know we all get blinded at times and we all lose sight of ourselves, when we have someone else in the picture....but eventually you have to realize...you do not have love, or any form of it, if you are AT ALL compromising yourself, your beliefs, your life, for another...in any way, at all. Compromise is for arguments and peace agreements...not to take away from who you are or what you want and believe....REMEMBER the difference...and draw the line....make yourself MATTER TO YOU most of all.
until tomorrow....<3

MY Project 365....my life ever after....((day 14))

I did miss last evening...but that is what it is.....
Its been a busy and emotional week and i do have a lot on my mind....so i am not sure what direction is the best to turn this in or towards, so please excuse if we hit a few different areas in a back, forth and maybe even sideways sort of manner....
I am just, spending a lot of time these days really evaluating this situation that I am in...and just exactly what it means to me....personally....
and with that of course you still have the day to day dealings with of life, my amazing daughter to focus on, my business ventures and school....so really, sometimes, its just A LOT....
And then friends...i have found myself really evaluating all of my friendships lately, really taking the time to mentally read into them and the time to see what belongs where in my life....
i find that a lot of people, even those i consider closest happen to contradict themselves and who and what they stand for more often that i would have ever probably realized without any of this happening to me.
When life really flips itself upside down and lands in your lap, you get a whole new view on things that you never really saw, or took the time to see prior.
Do not get my wrong...i love my friends...so much and appreciate each and everyone of them uniquely...and in  no way is it a true personal attack or dig at them, our lives or anything of the sort...its truly just me...
and where i am right now and what i need....
and when you come to this major turning point where you are forced to put every single aspect of your life into perspective...you can only do what you need to with that, and unfortunately cannot worry about what others think or want you to do.
i think i have handled all that i have been dealt in this shity hand fairly well, with a positive outlook and a great faith in something far bigger than myself.....i do know that this time also calls for major and life altering adjustments to myself, my thinking, my time and well, basically everything...
i asbsolutely at this point need to avoid all negative...unless its somethng that i HAVE to deal with...because right now...i have not the time or the tolerance for it.....
I must consider everyday who I am and remember to never compromise this person again..as that has happened for so long...and now that i have stopped the cycle, I must at all costs avoid starting it again....and I mean this in every single area of daily living....
i will carefully choose, who i confide in, and carefully evaluate the words that i will share and speak at those times...i will trust only those who have shown me they can be trusted and avoid setting myself up for any other unnecessary and avoidable failures. Everything that I can have control over in MY LIFE, I will...
Obviously I am not naive to the fact that the universe holds quite a lot of my life and its outcomes in its hands and that God plays the biggest role in my fate...however...i know he puts me on the path and its up to me to do the walking...and as I have mentioned so many times...that walk will be a forward one, not a backward one...
None of this is easy, nor is it even possible for anyone that has not traveled this road to understand it, and I know that....I share the story and the bits and pieces, the feelings, the emotions, struggles and strengths for any and all to come to an easier understanding....to understand me and themselves or anyone they know that may so travel this rocky trail....
i ask none of my friends to be offended when i come to you with feelings, or questions about something pertaining to our relationship...it doesnt mean i am angry or that i am twisting anything to hurt you...I prefer to talk rather than assume...I prefer to relate and work at things rather than write them off....i hate backstabbing and lies...even the smallest ones..because they only lead to bigger and without trust you have nothing.
Its a gift to have a friend you can say absolutely anything to...that you can call out on something that has hurt or bothered you and have the accept your words and feelings in a constructive and healthy way and to be able to do the same for that person
That is who I am ....and those are the people that I want to associate my life with....especially this new one that i have...this second chance....
Should any of you ever have anything to say to me....I would appreciate it greatly that you did....never shy away from feelings, opinions, advice or words..i take then all in and respect every ounce of them.
stay strong.. stay true....to you! that is the best thing that you can do in life...with that you can achieve anything....it all starts inside of yourself....
and please remember...i did ask a few blogs back...for you all to share too...I have not had many do so...I am not sure why...but I would appreciate it....
until tomorrow..