MY Project 365....my life ever after....((day 13))

So....I did not get a chance to blog LAST evening...so i will do TWO posts today..this one for last night...and then my evening blog later on.
I will keep this short and sweet....
Today I am empowering MYSELF even more...and I realize i need to make this the focus of EVERYDAY!!! I need to be the change...and I will be MY change..and I will make my life one that I am proud of..(tho I already am)
I have an amazing life...one that I have worked for every bit of...and tho, sometimes things fall apart...I firmly believe it is to give you the opportunity to build something bigger and better...
to find new habits and break old ones....to learn who you are, and how far you have come.
My biggest pain in any of this is for my daughter...
An, innocent, 9 year old, that did not deserve half of what she has gone thru in her little life...However, I can say with pride, that she continues to excel. She has learned who she is too, and what she deserves. Taylor, already firmly stands on her two feet, takes responsibility for what is hers, and takes others into constant consideration. She will give anything she has to someone that doesnt...and offer a hug to anyone that is down...I know that I have done something right...even on my darkest days, I have been blessed with the most beautiful glimpse of sunlight, hope and happiness right in front of my eyes.
until TONIGHT...<3

MY Project 365....my life ever after....((day 11))

Evening all.....
So...i thought I had it all planned out yesterday, the things that I wanted to focus on tonight...
However...I got caught up in the craziness of today, with all sorts of interesting aspects....and well...i dont know, i guess i lost that whole train of thought somewhere....
I will just go with the things on my mind this evening....on my mind a lot I guess....and see where it takes me...(remember one last time...that when i speak in MY BLOG, its freely, openly and honestly...i do not personally attack any ONE individual, because that would be in a certain aspect, an attack on myself...should anyone relate, its understandable, because tho each and everyone of our lives are unique as are our circumstances, sometimes something clicks....in which case that something would be one that YOU personally should quite possibly take a look at in your life...to better understand what it is that made you relate and what it is that is drawing your attention to whichever specific thing said.)
Now, that i cleared that up just one last time....I will begin....
You know, out of today, i still have one thing that was said to me, ringing in my ears....not that it bothers me, but i want to reflect on it...because as anyone is entitled to their opinion....I respect that and take it for what its worth, I too, have MINE and here is where I get to focus on that and put it all on the line...
Somewhere along the day, a wording of how someone was having a rough morning in so many words, lead to "well you understand, thats your everyday"....
Really....its not.....
I guess it may seem to some of you, that because my life is not perfect, because my marriage fell apart, because I am going thru a LOT...that, my life just sucks....
Let me be the first to tell you, how much it doesn't.
i can totally grasp why anyone may think those things...because they are pretty shitty things, to put it bluntly, to happen to anyone....However..that is NOT how i look at any of it...
You see, I firmly believe that tho life does not come with a handbook, it does come with a plan...Now, being privy to this plan, isn't something that we are...until we figure it out, write in our own certain short cuts and scenic routes, etc, but for the most part its a guided tour by a greater power. One that takes us on many roads, with many turn, with many hills and even some cliffs....however...its doesn't make you jump....you can always save YOURSELF.
Of course NONE of this is something that I wanted...and sure there are times where I wonder how fair it is...I work so hard, I always have, i have gone thru so much already, and now there is more....BUT...i know...there is a reason....and I will end up right where I am supposed to be.
So...no my everyday is not "f*cked up" i believe the term was that was used...ITS BLESSED. I am alive, I am breathing, I am living, I am learning, I am loving and I am growing. I AM BLESSED.
I am an honest person, with an open heart, a sharp mind, and BIG emotions. I am sometimes guarded, and very opinionated...and still I am very blessed.
I do not need a marriage or a man to define me. I CAN and DO stand on my own two feet. I have dne it more than once and can do it as many times as this life has planned for me.
 We all love being in love, or the idea of it...and no one plans on the bad things happening...and really NO ONES life is perfect...and sure there are those people, that when something bad happens, something unexpected happens, are quick to blame the first thing or person that comes to mind, quick to search for a pity party and are quick to crawl under the nearest rock or make an excuse just to avoid reality.....
THATS NOT ME...it never ever has been and it certainly never will be.
I take full and total responsibility for my life...I am in the drivers seat, and I am not jumping out and running.....I am who I am because of ME...not because of anyone else's definition or opinions of me.....My destiny is mine...and I will make it beautiful...and I will  be the one who gets to be proud of that....Just so that we are clear on those things, i already feel better.
I do not consider myself at a disadvantage because you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, a husband or wife...i had that too...I lost it, so have others, life goes on and unfortunately it CAN happen to anyone...whether you believe that or not...you have NO idea what life has in store for you, until the time comes knocking at the door. So i just ask that you caution judgements and opinions with people, as they may be the farthest from the truth...like I said, your thoughts are yours, however it does not make them shared and it does not make the true....and I am sure, it may be what some expect me to be, think i should be, or what they would be had this happened to them...BUT, reality is....its not....I will never ever let another break me...and I will never ever have an excuse great enough to think my life is a disaster, or that I am missing something...I am more blessed than many...and I am so very thankful for that!
Which brings me to where, in a difficult place, of thinking I just may have to reevaluate some of my friendships, at this turning point in my life...and do not get me wrong, it would never be out of lack of love...just lack of common ground...lack of similarities and understanding...
I dont know...just a thought....but not one that I need or feel the need to deal with immediately...I would rather just see how things go, see how they play out, where I am, where you are...and how the realtionships we have go together...or not...another part of life that none of us really have control over....and again I am sure part of a bigger plan....
I think thats it for tonight....
until tomorrow....<3love you

MY Project 365....my life ever after....((day 10))

Its early tonite dolls...

Figured I could get a head start this evening...since I have some things to catch up on, I have not been getting a ton of rest (not that, that will change tonite LOL) and i am pretty sure of what I want to talk about already this evening....

Lets focus on YOU, today....(or in my case for all subjective purposes...ME)

I spent a good while with one of my best friends this afternoon....and these are the things that you hold onto, the conversations that allow you to get it all out..and the ones that allow your mind to expand past your current situation and into new lights if only for a brief amount of time....

Anyways...that is not the point of the blog, just how I came to what I felt was important to reflect on this evening...and so...here we go....

As I said...let us focus on YOU (ME), tonight...who we are, how we got to where we are, where we came from and where it may be that we are going...

Now...obviously I cannot sit and answer that for any of you, only for myself...so you are going to have to work along with this in your own thoughts and words, to figure out what it is, that this means to you...and what you take from it all....

So, I know we wonder from time to time(or at least i do), who it is we are, who we have become, where we are headed and the purposes of all of these things.....

its not an everyday question for most...just one that occasionally passes by...that is until life throws you one of those GIGANTIC curve balls, and you absolutely HAVE to figure these things out...and relatively quickly, well at least some of them....

Sometimes, just when you think that you have it all figured out, something changes...can be a small, adjustment or a huge life altering event...whichever it may be, you often have to reevaluate just what it is that you are doing...what you need to change and why.

Often, with minor almost insignificant things, this happens on its own, or with a quick little tweak of one thing or another...though there are, or there will be(yes, in each and every one of our lives at one time or another), there will be an event that absolutely shifts our entire world as we know it, out of balance, and it is then that we have to figure out just what we are made of, and how we are going to overcome and conquer this monster.

I have had this happen a few times, and each time under different circumstances, some not as major as others...however, I have obviously survived each occurrence and come out better than I was before.

This time, tho slightly different, and definitely hitting the scales at an 11/10....major in every definition of the word...will still require the same basic elements...

1.) Me to decide who Jess is. (now, obviously I am who I have always been...however, with every situtaion, person, event, passing, turning point and so on in our lives), who we are often conforms itself to the situation, lifestyle and it is at this time, that we must really and faithfully evaluate WHO WE ARE...inside....

2.)Where we have been....what lead us to where we are right now...how did we get here....why are we dealing with what we are(tho, the answer may not be one that you can just find, however, you will still be able to have the answer of "because it was supposed to", if no other answer can prevail.

3.)What do we need to do/What changes must we make?!? (what part of us lead us to where we are right not...as I have mentioned many times in these blogs...we control ONE person, and that is OURSELF. NO one else. So...we have to determine what our part in this event was, and how what adjustments to ourselves we can make towards the better....because if you are waiting for anyone else to do it, be the change, be the reason...I'd just suggest not holding your breath....)

4.)Where do we go from here...What do we want the future to be...Where are we going....

And that is simply ANYWHERE, that we want to be....Anything that we want to be....This is your time to DREAM BIG and keep climbing....and remember, you will never fall, never fail, when you surround yourself with the RIGHT support, and most importantly FAITH in YOURSELF and CAPABILITIES.

Seems, easy enough...RIGHT??!!???

It is....and It isn't.

Its going to be a journey...a process. It will be a lesson. It may be joy and happiness only...it may be one of pain as well....but both...bring the open opportunity though for amazing outcomes, if you just never lose sight, hope, faith, strength, focus, and when you remember...YOU CAN DO THIS! ANYTHING.

Now...When I sat back and evaluated, who I was, I realized, I had fallen victim to circumstance. I had altered who i was before and compromised that person for another. i lost my voice in certain aspects and found a woman whose self esteem was semi shattered. And, this I KNEW, immediately needed to be changed....

I reflected on my journey to this exact point in my life, I have taken my responsibility for all that I allowed...I am making my changes, remembering the real ME, and Where will I GO?....Somewhere beautiful....I do dream big, with an open heart and millions of goals. I set high standards for myself and for my daughter...none that are unachievable, all realistic, all within reach with WORK and dedication....and thats where I will go. EVERYDAY. Its like settling for a B in school when you can certainly obtain an A. Occasionally the B is the best that you can do, but more often that not, its settled for, by not taking the extra steps, not putting in the extra work, and not having enough faith in yourself to know what you are truly capable of.....

And NO ONE should EVER settle....

I promise your outcome that way, will soon lose its shine, the sparkles will fade and you will think back one day on what you could have done differently, who you could have become, and why you did not push yourself just a little farther, why you didnt stand up for yourself, why you didnt take responsibility.....

But...there is PLENTY of time, to do all of that....to get to where you want to be, where you should be, where you do not have to wonder; "What if"?; "Why?" and so forth....

Lets start by this..

Lets make a list...of Who we think we are, who we want to be when its all said and done, where we want to get to in life...and any changes that we think we should make...I will put myself out there...with mine

Who I am:

1.) ME....first and foremost ME

2.)A mother

3.)A daughter, sister, aunt and friend

4.)HONEST

5.)Open

6.)Loyal

7.)Saracastic

8.)Fun

9.)Beautiful(on the inside at the least)

10.)STRONG

Who I want to be:

1.)MYSELF(i never want to compromise me, lose sight of me, forget about me, in any situation EVER again.)

2.)The BEST mother, friend, daughter, sister, aunt that I can be...the one who is always there....and will always stand beside...and give whatever push is needed to help the other keep up the pace

3.)SUCCESSFUL...I want so many beautiful things, not material by any means, but I want so much more education...to learn more from others and to enhance all of the beautiful accomplishments that I already have

4.)To stay empowered...to stay in control and to always remember I am the only one that can alter/change my life....

5.)To remember, the past is the past...and take everyday as a NEW one, not one t relive, rehash, find fault or seek sympathy from anything that has occurred BEFORE TODAY...things happen and they do so for reason...and I will have faith in those reasons, even the "just because's" and MOVE FORWARD...in stride.

Each day i now go thru my lists, i focus on me and I focus on this life....We only get one time thru and i want it to be one worth remembering, I want to make a difference and take stands...I want to help others and I want to stay strong...My focus is zoomed in and I will keep it there...I take responsibility for me and know that I can take care of myself when I need to and without worry...I know that its not always easy and those are the times where the emotional payoff, the self pride and feelings of accomplishment multiply in ten fold. I will wish no ill will on others and allow life to bring to those with poor visions and views what it does...the universe has a funny way of balancing it all out.

Now....before I leave you for the evening....I'd like to ask you all, whether you do it or not, to make your lists, and ask even more by asking you to share them with me...together we can help one another, know the areas that need support and strengthen ourselves with a power of unity....

responses can be emailed to

speakuporshutupblog@gmail.com

and I also, invite you to share ANYthing else you feel important, any questions that you may have...whether they for me, or something you may want input on....I will answer them, in this blog, every evening another...please include your name and reply email...and if its a question that you dont want your name attahced to just note that to me....I will answer you in this blog, but name you "Anonymous"

Sometimes the outsiders view is much more clear....its not clouded with emotion and is rather impartial.....

Its fair and just....and thats what we need. The power of numbers is an amazing thing, so is the power of release...releasing what you need to, venting what you need to and finding there are others that can relate, even in different circumstances...

share the blog with your friends...

until tomorrow.......<3

MY Project 365....my life ever after....((day 9))

Well today was just a ball of joy to say the least...and please note the sarcasm; as I start this little portion of the fairytale:
As strong as I am trying to be thru this and as forward as I try to move, some bumps in the road....still manage to arise.
though all details need not be let out, we will keep it general and neat...I did have a small breakdown and i did allow him to get to me....
i have tried so hard to remaim amicable.....generous and gracious thru this process.....however, somehow that still seems to lead me to tears and being belittled and condescended on by another, i guess in hopes to make themself feel better and stronger....
if thats what it takes for that person, i suppose to each their own when handling changes i life.
i however, was always raised to be kind. to never hate and to never judge. that pointing finger lead back to myself and to intentionally hurt anyone would come back to me in a ten fold.
Now, either my parents were crazy, or others were just not taught common courtesy and basic manners....
I tho, will shut this door FINALLY and for good, as I apparently am unable to do this without intervention and allowing attornies and such take care of the rest....
I cannot be talked to as tho my intelligence is not comparable to anothers, when i know, in fact thats NOT true by any means....
i cannot be belittled or degraded and i will not be beat with the past as tho i have done some horrid, things that destroyed another person....
Not every forever is what we suppose it should be however....we can still walk away with our pride and esteem intact....i do not need personal attacks simply out of disagreement....and i do not seek out harm in others with words or actions and I will not have that done to me....
My daughter will learn self respect first and foremost, that her own two feet are the strongest to stand on and that you treat others with the same dignity and courtesy
Words are powerful weapons, that so many do not realize...and you always have to have compassion with another even in times of struggle....
I know how blessed I am...and I know what I have to do....
And i will do it with my head held high, hopes intact, faith in God, the love of my family and friends...and instead of resorting to defense in words and coming back with hurt and pain, I will as carefully as i tried to handle all of this...end my portion of that, and let what happens be.....as is.
Life will handle itself as it should and I will not compromise myself and where I am going to stoop below the level that I have set before myself....
until tomorrow......<3

MY Project 365....my life ever after....((day8))

Evening, dolls....

I was gonna postpone until tomorrow....because I had a long, stressful day, an emotional one, and to top it off I am absolutely not feeling well...
But....I feel as tho I should take a few minutes today to clarify a few VERY important things again and maybe in other words to stress the meaning of my writings...
First, let me make it known that what I write is first and foremost for MYSELF, I do it for me. To address and acknowledge what I am going thru, to enable myself with strength thru the power of finally opening up about it, to get myself thru this major, unplanned, complicated and life changing adjustment of life and what I thought that it would be,
Everything that I say, is from my heart, a part of this experience that I am going thru, and things that I have noted a long the way....it did not all start on the official day that it ended as I have made clear, and I want it to be known I do not do this for any sort of dramatics or selfishness but to empower myself for the first time in a long time...to know that I do not have to hold things in anymore and to make myself for capable of finding more and more peace and moving on.
Almost all that I say comes from first hand experience and I use myself quite often as the example, I do understand that my words also allow others to take a glance at their lives and situations and evaluate themselves. None of it is a personal dig at anyone, for by doing that I would be doing it to myself. As the majority of this is my life and my views.
When you find yourself taking acknowledgement to something said and relating it to yourself...perhaps there is an area that you, yourself need to adjust, or just look at, to find peace with that certain aspect.
I am not the sort of person who points fingers at anyone, i am fair and honest and just coming from the heart...the words flow as I have lived them and this is one of the best ways I have at moving on.....
So please...know that....I want you to all be able to take this journey with me and for all of my friends to have their own peace of mind in every single part of their lives, whatever that may mean to them and however they may have to get here...and I will walk that journey, those journeys with any and each of you that need that in any way shape or form that need be.
We only have one life...but any of can change our paths. Sometimes those changes are welcome and others are unexpected and unwanted at the time...however, they can still yield an amazing and beautiful life...and everything happens for a reason. Good and Bad. When you find similarities in someone elses words, verify what it is about that, that got to you and what may have triggered that emotion...perhaps its a change that you need to make, but its NOT from me trying to make it, bring it out, or lay it on the line for you....
This is for me, before it is for anyone else...and I have taken the huge step to allow everyone in on this road...just by chance someone else needed the words, someone else needed some borrowed strength, and jsut to allow myself the release that I finally deserve....
I appreciate you all.....until tomorrow....<3

MY Project 365....my life ever after....((day 7))

WOW...been at it a week already...that sure has flown by.....
its not easy to try to break your life down on a day to day basis, yet at the same time is such as release when you do have so much to get off your chest...
I want to thank my friends that have been there for me thru this...long before the blog started and for the right reasons...the one whom genuinely care, want to know that I am ok and support my decisions and offer their ears at anytime.
I will not pretend that this is easy on me, and I know not so many can truly relate.....some can on different levels, others not at all...tho thats not what truly always matters, its just knowing that you can let it all out, trust the person that you are letting it out to, and knowing that they genuinely care about you and your well being...
Still at moments it is surreal even to me...I mean who thinks "This will be my life, Divorce will be my life", when it was never something that I ever really believed in...I believed in sticking it out, for better or for worse, in good times and in bad....But i have opened my eyes and my mind that there are many exceptions even to that. There is someone for everyone and when you are with that right person, I am certain that those words truly reign true, but when arguments take over, and the fights are not fair....you have lost an equality that you need to make a relationship work. When the 100% investment from both sides no longer remains, perhaps it is time to say your good byes.
Now...I would like to say, while I am talking about this:
Please do not ask me "So, there is no chance?"; "you dont think there is any hope?", "maybe its because of this, maybe its because of that"..."Maybe if you just do this"....allow me to clarify, that OBVIOUSLY before I came to where I am, I thought of all these things OVER AND OVER again, I went thru every single excuse I could try to make, every piece of anything that I may be able to grasp onto, in search of those very answers....Its not like this is what I wanted...or what ANYONE would want...after spending so much time building a life, a home, a family, to have it all come crashing down in front of  you , is not something that any person seeks out to do.
So, please, lets remember, that tho yes, I am strong, VERY, and I am able to say that and extrememly proud of it, I dont not need to feel as though, I did something wrong, or should be questioning my choices. This was my last resort. As it should be, to me there was no reason to prolong something that was LONG overdue. No need to grasp at those things, that were truly nothing but thin air. And no need to continue to revisit them, in that way.
I know with most its not out of ill will or malice, just out of lack of relation to the topic, and that is ok....but hopefully this clears up any of those questions for any of you having them.
Many people do choose, to stay in their situations, and that is a conscious choice that THEY make....however, I do not know how anyone can live a life of make believe, where there truly is no marriage, let alone even a common respect or  friendship. I did attempt that as well, however, I do not want my daughter to ever think she is STUCK anywhere, to ever think that there are not other choices and not to ever not be able to take care of myself...and I think the same for me.
is it easy starting all over? NO...especially when my financial situation changed drastically with my inability to currently work due to my injuries...HOWEVER, that is still not excuse enough...One I would never "use" my husband simply staying for my own financial benefits, lacking my own self judgement, self esteem and self respect, just to "have someone", forgetting who I was or allowing my child to ever think they needed someone else to complete them. Someone else does not make you, or break you...unless you ALLOW that to be your life. YOU control you and ANYONE can be anything that they want, when they choose to stand in their feet and take some responsibility for themselves.
I am peaceful with where I am, as I have said....its not where I wanted to be, or where I ever imagined I would be BUT i know, its the best place for me RIGHT NOW. and that is by far, and accomplishment in itself.
You get what you allow in life....should it be good things, great things, love and respect, by all means, count and cherish those blessings and remember them daily, acknowledge them daily and even in times of anger, take a minute to remind yourself of them, and something positive that can still come from it.
The same though goes, when you consciously allow yourself to be a doormat, made to look a fool, and allow yourself to be what someone else says you are and have to be. No one fully understands the ability and capapbility of negative words, actions, unless they live them, but they do manipulate themselves into your mind enough to often make you believe them....and when you find yourself excusing that behavior from another, tolerating it, hiding it, ignoring it, hoping to change it....It is then that YOU need to be the change that you are searching for...and tho it may be all that you ever knew, and all that you ever think that you will have....I can tell you truthfully IT IS NOT....you will survive....and you will have so much more, even when you feel like you are losing it all. You are so much richer when you can celebrate yourself, take responsibility for yourself, and stop compromising yourself.
Its a BIG world, full of billions of dreams, and I will to the best of my ability live mine, in whatever ways I am capable of...and I wish the same for each one of you....
until tomorrow....<3

MY Project 365....my life ever after....((day 6))

I promised a big one tonight, for day 6 of MY Project 365...and that is what I am going to try to deliver....
Before I start, I want to make a few quick disclaimers, as I do have A LOT to say, it will NOT all pertain to me, but to my OPINIONS, my views and thoughts. A lot I have come to from what I am going thru and where I have been....a lot from my vision of the situations...and questions that have arisen from seeing, hearing, living, watching, enduring and so on....
Should you be reading this, and think "is she talking about me?"...I may be....perhaps not. You see, a lot of the time, one thing can pertain to many, and i will not ever mention names in my blog, without permission, or unless giving praise....and i will again always let that person know, my intentions in doing so prior too.
However, as I am using this as a release for myself...a learning experience, and a key to conquering my new journey, I am also hoping by chance that maybe i can help others, allow them something to relate to, something to grasp onto, maybe change outlooks, and strive to make us all see, that no one is perfect and we can all use some adjustments on our outlooks on life and many other things......
Take it all for what it is worth....remember, you CHOSE to read....it may not mean a thing to you, and that as well, is perfectly fine....
With that being said....HERE WE GO....
((follow me as i itemize my points to keep myself from rambling and to stay focused on one subject at a time unless the two absolutely go hand in hand....))

1.) Life: I believe our lives are only what we make of them....we chose our paths, most of them at least...and we can change the outcomes. When something bad happens, we should learn from it...not use it as an excuse or a crutch. I understand that often this may be easier said than done, however, at some point we MUST take responsibility for ourselves....Things that happen to us, are what we ALLOW to happen to us. We get what we give and we must take caution with words and actions. We all have our moments, and we all go thru tough times..no one can say they live a perfect life, and those who do, are nothing short of LYING. (and trust me, the colors on that pretty picture too, will fade one day). When something is not going right...we need to look inside ourselves, instead of so pointing a finger at someone else, as we so easily can do. None of us want to take blame for things that do not turn out right, and so often i see so many find the easiest excuse they have to push it elsewhere....However, you must remember, we only control ourselves, no one else. i try to look at everything with an open mind, and I can openly and honestly admit my faults...I can acknowledge my mistakes and take them as a lesson. I will not ask for pity, and then flaunt myself abusing the sympathy I just asked for. If i want a good life, I know that I am the one that has to make it that way. Staying in a bad situation, or blowing it off as though it has not happened, does not fix it, but temporarily. You will see that it will again find its way back, only to leave you with a bigger mess the second, third, fourth time around. So weigh options and figure out where you go from there, how you can fix it, and be smart. No one realizes how quickly you can lose EVERYTHING, tho I think there are some that need to, and perhaps it will be then that they will wake up from fantasy land!!!! Everything cannot be okay all of the time, and it keeps the balance in our lives, but is not an excuse to lack basic sense and responsibility. And I am running out of tolerance with all of these so called adults that I see have none!!!!!....now lets move on....
2.)The Past: When something ends, it ends....if you have once chosen to forgive someone do that whole heartedly and move on. However, remember that when a door closes, it had good reason, and there really is another one ready to open....you just have to get there.....it may not be as quickly as you like, and may take quite some time to get there, but be grateful for that...for it is in that time that you are given the chance to grow, make changes, adjust your life and learn!!! You would be suprised just how amazing things can turn out when you least expect them to, and what you may come across along the way. The best journey of life, starts with the one where you find peace in yourself, and are ready to move forward and never look back. Its scary, but that a part of the thrill and the greatness, overcoming that fear, knowing you can stand on your own, and waiting for life to take you to where you belong....and when you get there...YOU WILL KNOW.
3.)Friendships: This subject, ESPECIALLY at this point in my life, right at this time (tho of course dear and valuable all of the time)...is very important for me to acknowledge.....
Tho its easy to say we have a lot of friends...i know i can count my closest ones on my hands...and i firmly believe that is a gift, the trust the love, the loyalty. Friendships are multi-dimensional not one sided, and they are something that all of us need. With your real friends, you can find out quickly, who they are, when you can state your opinion, your feelings, your thoughts, and even if they do not agree, they still remain. If you are upset with them, you can say it, and not have to worry that they are going to walk away. You can speak freely and openly....and know that, that person will always be there. There are many important factors to me in a friendship, especially with my best friends...tho the most important, must be trust and honesty. If you can not be honest with the other, or if they get one story while you see everyone else get another, unfortunately you come to a point where you realize, it cannot work. i know, especially with one friend, i could be infuriated with her...BUT...I CAN TELL HER...and we would talk it out...she wouldnt comment about it, make remarks about it....she'd take what I said to heart and we together would fix it, and I would of course also do the same opposite the situation...and this is how it should be...you should never have to watch your words, or wonder what the truth is....and if there is a problem, or you have something to say, SAY IT, dont beat around the bush, hide things, make random petty posts....care about the other person and yourself enough to just TALK. When we cannnot act like adults with one another, it perhaps is a fabulous indicator that we have no business sharing anything. Value who you  have and why you have them...treat them how  you want to be treated. be careful if you accuse or point fingers, when others can in retrospect often see you with dirty hands as well. Love your friends, you will need them, and they will need you, Choose wisely and be true. Loyalty and honesty go so much farther than we think. ((i do love all of you..and you know who you are))
4.) Love/Relationships/Marriage/break ups, endings and in betweens:
Everyone loves being in love. To have someone to share your life with. To share hopes and dreams, to have security, to have your best friend always there, to be able to share anything and everything. To have a partner and an equal. a teammate. these people are true blessings in our lives. they bring us joy and happiness, that fuzzy feeling....we learn how to love and be loved and how to grow together. Cherish this, and them, value what you have and do not take it for granted. it is the little things that count, the small gestures, and the big dreams. But, in the midst of this...please do not compromise who you are and what you are worth. Do not lose yourself in anyone else, and have the ability to know when you have reach a toxic level. Be strong enough to walk away, and be smart enough to know when. The longer you avoid the inevitable...the more painful, confusing and heart breaking it will be. What you do not realize is you will really be doing this to yourself...and you do get exactly what you allow....Now let me say before i continue, I celebrate the happy endings, I congratulate them and wish you a lifetime of amazing love, joy an happiness, I right now want to speak tho, to those I see give up on who they are to try and hold onto something that is not there....so understand I am not just this bitter on her way to being a divorcee vengeful bitch LOL...I promsise that is NOT the case, I made my choices FOR ME...and because I KNEW i had to...and I have very much peace in that, not anger or hate....They take up too much room in my heart....now continuing....I hear so often how we are waiting for someone to change, how maybe this time they got the point, maybe they will be different....Let me start with this...you cannot change ANYONE, so please do not hold your breath. The only person that you can change is you...so when something is not working, remove yourself from it, you can attempt to fix something ONLY with someone that is willing to do that with you. That does not mean, the at the time sob story that lasts a few days or weeks, that does not mean tolerarting repetitive behavior in hopes that all the sudden they may just decide to be all that you want them to. It is NOT going to happen. If it has not yet, It wont. You cannot use another as your crutch out of fear of being alone or out of fear for starting anew. And even the idea of that sounds relatively RIDICULOUS. i will even use myself as an example here for a minute...you see tho i know my situation has its contributing factors, i also know that i was NOT being treated nicely, respectfully or in anyway how I deserved, and that alone, was my biggest wake up call. I was being called names, and being degraded, and that is not tolerable behavior from any adult in any situation. You do not talk to people in that way, or treat them as being less than you...it is very damaging, and often it is believed. It did happen to me for awhile, and I was in a BAD place inside....I stayed longer than I should have but not TOO long. When you do not have a fair partnership you do not have ANYTHING....when the past is used against you, when names a thrown, when other men or women are brought into the situation, when you have someone that has put their own pleasures and entertainment above you or your family, you have already lost. Making excuses and catering to this behavior, hearing the occasional bs line, is not going to change any of this....instead its making YOU look like the fool...and I am not referring to any ONE particular person, because there are quite many that I can relate some portion of this to. You need to be the change and take control of your life. It is true that love can blind us, but so can comfort and fear. you will never know what you are made of, until you actually do something about it....its never going to be easy or ever seem like the right time, but remember, you will be the only one hurt in the end, the other will just carry on with what they are doing....you will be the one lost, as they have very clearly shown who they are, and made it apparent, that its not about you. use caution and good judgement, be careful what you allow in your life when you have children...no one can hide things from them, even when you think that you can....TRUST ME, that is very true, and I have first hand knowledge of that in more ways than one. There is a happily ever after out there for everyone, but you have to have the courage to find it if you havent. If your time is arguments, and proving yourself, trying to get attention and trying to be loved, stop settling and move on....you cannot get anywhere when you wont walk past the front door!!!!!!! There is NO EXCUSE great enough for ever being mistreated, not cared for, neglected or abused, cheated on, lied to or maipulated. NONE. and repetitive behaviors only intensify that statement. You always have options ALWAYS...no one is STUCK anywhere....there are so many ways to get help, help yourself, and make your life the best that it can be.....but YOU have to choose to do so.

Now I am going to wrap this up...I just want to say....I have found so much comfort in the whole situation and i am glad to have myself back again....I hope that each of you have the same and that if you do not, you do your best to achieve it...whatever it takes. because you are worth it. i pray again that some find responsibility and learn to stop discrediting their situations. Make smart choices and the right choices. It only takes a minute to lose everything, so make sure you have all that you want and that if you dont you work to get there and when you do, you work to keep it. Count your blessings and love your friends and families. Smile, Laugh, Enjoy life....make it one worth living. Full of memories and full of pride. Make it beautiful!

MY Project 365....my life ever after....((day5))

Tonight is going to stay short and sweet....not that i have nothing to say because i always have too much to say....i have a extensive opinionated blog that i want to share tomorrow in this project that maybe others can use to reflect on, relate to, learn from....etc....
So for today...
My tattoo....
As some know, most know, I had my husbands name on my wrist...everyone easily says to me...why would you do that...you should never put someones name on you....well i enjoy everyones opinion BUT....do i regret it??? NO...not for a minute...It meant something to me, and I did it for me...he never asked me to and didnt even know i was going until after...it was my choice and mine alone...because I WANTED it...and I am glad I had it while i did....
Just ike anything else...it can be changed too, and that is exactly what i did....i changed it, with the change in my life...i opened up a new door and closed an old....i held onto one last memory for a minute and then let go...and it was absolutely REFRESHING...so even more so now i am i grateful, that i got to do it, and that i had a reason to....because it allowed me to permanently mark this turning point in my life, my strength, taking  my control and life back and starting a new beginning...so never could it be a regret....in retrospect it makes so much more sense to me now....(thank you tho for all of your opinions...i appreciate them...but i like mine, my outlook, my view)
I chose the koi as it represents new life and new beginnings and i could not be happier with the work....
and i am thrilled looking down on it, as to where i am.
I also today....donated my wedding bands to charity...well their worth....from my end can maybe come someone elses NEW beginning...someone elses health, strength and well being....and to myself I am PROUD.....I absolutely LOVE me...and i know that is the biggest step into go anywhere....I am so thankful to be back....
until tomorrow my loves............<3((it will be a BIG one))

MY Project 365....my life ever after....((day 4))

So....its the end of day 4 of this project of mine...funny how fast time already seems to be slipping by....
Everyday i find a little more peace, but yet I still continue to see one of us still holding so much hate in their heart....it hurts me to know, that someone that made vows to me, has to much distaste and resentment towards me...i find myself questioning whether not any of this really mattered...i find it easier to believe his words of anger, belittlement, disrespect...they seem to be more accurate and maybe i should have believed in those words a LOT longer ago and saved myself A LOT of pain, a LOT of confusion and a bigger piece of my heart...
I find the broken wing lyrics to be so fitting...to actually be TRUE to the life i lived...and if ever there is karma i do want it to show him HOW I FLY!!!!
She loved him like he was
The last man on Earth
Gave hime everything she ever had
He'd break her spirit down
Then come lovin' up to her
Give a little, then take it back

She'd tell him about her dreams
He'd just shoot 'em down
Lord he loved to make her cry
"You're crazy for believin'
You'll ever leave the ground"
He said, "Only angels know how to fly"

And with a broken wing
She still sings
She keeps an eye on the sky
With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you ought to see her fly


One Sunday morning
She didn't go to church
He wondered why she didn't leave
He went up to the bedroom
Found a note by the window
With the curtains blowin' in the breeze

And with a broken wing
She still sings
She keeps an eye on the sky
With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you ought to see her fly

With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you ought to see her fly


***remember to count your blessings, and not take for granted what you have. If you have someone that loves  you, LOVE THEM BACK, and if you can't, be honest with them, and end things ammicably. Be honest and be true. to yourself and to other. in each and every aspect of life. take the time to engrave the little memories into your mind, share an extra smile...and an extra hug. make sure the ones you do love KNOW that you love them, thank them for what they are to you and be gracious with goodbyes. know that even when things seem perfect, they can still fall apart, never put yourself above that chance, instead, make sure you know yourself and love yourself enough to know HOW to move on. avoid bad situations....if you have to fight to be loved, you are fighting a LOSING battle. Words always have a meaning, so if they are not nice, please be careful. Forgiveness is a FABULOUS virtue and one that we should all partake in...however it does not mean forgetting or living as anyone elses convenience, doormat, victim, or toy. Remember a lie is a lie, and one always leads to another, evaluate your situation...for yourself and your children. They do understand....they do know, even when we think we are hiding it...THEY GET IT...and we want to teach them the RIGHT way, independence and kindness, trust, loyalty and honesty...but we do not want them to learn that anyone desreved mistreatment, hate, ungratefulness or disrespect. We owe EVERYONE common courtesy at the least....decency and respect. You cannot change ANYONE, nor should you want to. And if you find yourself waiting for them to change, asking them to change, wishing them to change....YOU need to be THE CHANGE...by removing yourself from the equation. YOU CANNOT HELP ANYONE THAT IS NOT WILLING TO HELP THEMSELVES...my father has said that to me since I was little, and of all the things he said, that will always prove itself to be the most true. Be smart....allowing any of the negative is NO ONES fault but our own...we only get what we put up with....and i will never allow myself or my daughter to settle for anything less than we deserve...we will make OUR dreamsn come true, because its US not someone else that can do that.....
know who you are and what you stand for...otherwise...you will fall for anything....
Live, laugh, love.
You can find positive in EVERY negative...you can turn anything around into its own miracle...when you start believing in YOURSELF...and know WHO YOU ARE!!!! not who anyone else wants you to be!!!
Listen to yourself and to your friends....the outside view is often clearer....dont be afraid...the biggest regrets are the chances never taken, settling for something because we are afraid of having nothing...and losing our purpose on that rocky path.
SMILE> HAVE FUN and make a life worth living....and that is my everyday goal...from this point forward...and it has been BEAUTIFUL...(beauty doesnt have to be perfect...it can be abstract or ever ugly....its all in how you handle it...learn from it...and create it, to suit yourself...your life....your ambitions...)
You are the only person who can make YOU who you want to be!!!
<3

MY Project 365....my life ever after....((DAY 3))

Hey again....
So, this project seems to be going well....its given me a ton of inspiration...I have found it is inspiring others (which is more than i could ever hope for) and I have learned that expressing our thoughts, feelings and opinions, allows us such an inner freedom...a sense of self...and most importantly strength....

As i have said, the days seem to be coming easier....I do not find my mind wandering thru the "What Ifs" as much....or even so many of the "why's" anymore...
I have found TRUE peace in the fact that God made this plan for me, he knew I had lost myself, and he brought me back in full circle. How could I ever be negative about something like that??!!??

So many have said to me that they admire my positive outlook on the given situation, and they do believe that they could be as strong as i am. I have heard that my words and positive outlook are truly respectable....but here is the thing (tho i do appreciate all of that so emensely)..

Negative thoughts result in negative energy....the bring you down and those around you, they hold you back, and keep you from reaching your full potential. The add to the struggle, and enforce the heartache....and why would I want that for myself???
My positivity is not a given, in this situation I promise you that it does not flow naturally....occasionally the negative thoughts creep thru, the hurt pokes its head out, and the tears sometimes still just flow....However, I make a CONSCIOUS DECISION to try to find something positive in each negative moment....and there are often hundreds of them a day....I mean really...what person who just lost the life they thought was forever, wouldnt have that happen....I though, choose how i handle it.
I carefully pull myself from placing blame and pointing fingers and try to remember what good there was, if little....i try to remember that things can get better, and every broken heart does heal....I remind myself of the many blessings that I do have, and even without that one, i am luckier than so many. I cautiously try to subside the anger, with my faith in karma. Holding grudges, pointing fingers, or stooping to anothers level, is truly only going to bring me down....and I oppose that with great certainty..beause my every move from here on out is UPWARD!
I see how much i have changed already, and tho I am still me....I am the me I once was, the one that I love, the one that my friends and family love....I can open up to people and share my story....I can lean on others and not be afraid. I am no longer judged on a daily basis and I am finding happiness even in the loneliness....
i take pride in how this situation unfolded on me and how i have handled it....i can acknowledge my faults and admit I am imperfect....but I can also say, I am honest, I am loyal and I am true...to myself, to others, to the world.....and I know that life is on its way to taking me somewhere fabulous....and I cannot wait to arrive!

MY Project 365....my life ever after....((Day 2))

Evening Friends....
So...here we go at the attempt to continue this journey thru words, feelings and thoughts...with the end of day 2 of My project nearing...I find myself thinking what it is today that I should share...
I think today, I would first like to count my blessings...
My beautiful little girl, that has come so far, truly a miracle and the most incredible gift that God has ever blessed me with. My amazing family..who walk thru everyday with me, sometimes holding me up...always offering support and UNCONDITIONAL love and for that I will be ever grateful...my incredible, unique, miraculous group of friends, whom each hold a different yet special place in my heart and who I know i could never do without...each of you mean so much to me...and though to try to break that down uniquely for each of you would take me all of eternity, know that I feel blessed to have you, blessed to know you and so lucky to call you mine. When push comes to shove here in this crazy life, and i look back on these few simple aspects, i realize, i am truly wealthy in the most amazing sort of way...and I with this circle of support, friendship and gifts...I can conquer, just about ANYTHING.

I want to take a minute to acknowledge what marriage meant to me...why i said my vows, and what to me they meant....why i held on for so long, simply because I do not break promises and try to hold hope in the slight chance that things can turn around...
To me...marriage is Love, first and foremost a partnership...and understanding of one another and a mutual respect. To put someone above all others and to remember that promise, those vows in even the most troubled and difficult of times....To take each day as it comes...TOGETHER and to unite in a life that holds value in unity, not separation.
All of these things applied to every word i spoke to my husband in the church on August 8th. As the tears fell, and my heart rate sped, and as I stared into his eyes....I meant with my whole heart the promises I was making...and to the best of my ability, I stuck to those promises.
As we all know, not everyday is perfect, and some are just down right bad, for lack of better wording...times can be crazy and life can consume us. Often we take for granted the very small things, that in retrospect we realize how important those things were and it was them that truly mattered the most.
I know that our relationship for many reasons was far different from some others...as we spent the majority of our time together and 3/4 of our marriage living separately...and when this happens i fully believe in contributes to the fact of having lives going in opposite directions and losing the everyday comfort that you once had with one another and having it replaced with nervousness and uncertainty...to the outside it seems different...like its so easy to pick up where you left off the week before...how excited you must be when you see one another...however, its often rather the opposite. You forget how to act with this person, and second guess your actions...you lose the comfort of what you were used to everyday and the intimacy that you once shared...the novelty wears off and you realize you may have even lost far more than that.
Now I will not blame this on the failure, I will only acknowledge it as a contributing factor. i do tho firmly believe that marriages can be saved and that when you make those vows you should stand by them...but unfortuneately you cannot do that alone and you also cannot do that when you realize a lot of love has been replaced with a lot of resentment...
to hear the person that asked you to marry then and told you that you were the love of his life, blatantly look at you and tell you they hate you is a heart shattering feeling and one that you never forget...perhaps it was said in anger, which is why though i believe even in extreme ire, we must choose our words carefuly..because once a word is spoken, it engraves itself into our memory, into our soul and the negative words seem to have the longest lasting impressions..
I wont say it was always this way...or that I even think this man is a bad person...I think tho, know tho, that anyone that resorts to name calling, belittling, holding the past and tally marks over ones head, has unresolved issues that THEY need to deal with and instead are using as a battle sword against another in an effort to appear right and protect their own ego....and as i said...once spoken, the damage is done....
Even so much that I found myself at tines believing some of these things...about myself...thinking i was worth nothing and truly feeling as tho i was not a good wife or mother...i finally did hit a breaking point...and tho its was hin that wanted time to think it was that second of those words that i for just a minute WOKE UP...and relaized...how could i ever be living my life this way...why was i....who had i become....and why would i allow ANYONE to make me feel like this...let alone BELIEVE it??
I pray for him daily...to find peace in his heart and with his life...to find happiness and regain who he once was...because I can honestly say that person is BEAUTIFUL and i have seen it and experienced that first hand..and even tho, i lost it....as did he....I will forever be grateful for the time i did have and all that i learned,
i have also realized that forever can conform itself to different situations and means different things at different times...its not a set in stone period of time, not defined by months, or years or lifetimes, but by what its is RIGHT NOW.
that door of my forever is closing...and everyday i find more peace within that. i learn a little more, i heal a little more and i move forward a little more...and i begin to see me again...the strong, opinionated, honest, caring, loving and accomplished person, mother, friend that i once knew i was...and if for nothing less, I thank God so gratefully for this experience, even it being a negative, hurtful, heartbreaking one, for giving me ME back.......
until tomorrow....
DARE TO LET GO

MY Project 365....my life ever after....

So...I am really inspired by the project 365 blogs...and the different and variable twists on them....
Well...this is mine.....

I am obviously venturing out into a whole new part of this life, on a turn that i had not expected, yet one that i now welcome with open eyes, an open mind and an open(tho slightly guarded heart). Life is definitely full of suprises and even the heart  breaking ones can often be a blessing in disguise....
I am prepared to have good days and bad ones, to understand that not one part of this has been or will be easy and to know that I from this point on control my future. I will not live with hate, in my heart, resentment or fear....I know that God has given me just another lessen and made me strong enough to remember who I am and what i deserve....

The biggest part of this for me, is finding myself again....knowing who I am and remembering my strength. To not tolerate anything less than what i deserve and to be grateful for all that I do have.....this is my journey, from now until ever after....

Some of you know, some of you do not....On August 8, 2009 I married the love of my life...the one who changed my world.....the one i never thought that i could do without....I could not have asked for more...a beautiful home, an amazing, intelligent daughter and walking down the aisle, making vows and sharing a life with the man I was going to spend forever with....
Here's the thing....forever....that forever....is over....
Just as quickly as I had fallen for him, this man to me that seemed to be perfection, that i felt this incredible connection with and that i pictured this amazing life with....it all came crashing down...
As i reflect I guess there were a lot of clues...a lot of things...maybe we did jump all in too fast....maybe the separation when he was away was too great a strain for two people just beginning their lives together...BUT...i know also there was much more to it than that...will he ever admit that...NO....but some have seen it...some have witnessed it....some have heard it...but for the most part i painted a beautiful picture of something that was just not so pretty.....and eventually those colors too started to run...fade...and change...
You get to this point where something snaps...and you for a split second have the courage to admit you are not happy...that no matter how long you have tried to fix it...its never been the "right" way...I love you's you relaize have turned into I HATE YOUs(never from me...i cannot say that to people...i understand the damage those words do..)...instead of being called honey...you are now many other things none so nice.....
and you wonder how you got to this place....and for what reason you continued to live in it...the occasional apologies and the attempts to sweep it under the rug have just created a BIG pile of dust and most importantly you no longer really recognize yourself...you have started to belivee some of the things said to you and actually find yourself second guessing almost everything you do and say....so you shut yourself off....at least i did....UNTIL NOW>
And though some days are hard...and at first i never thought that i would get thru this...i realized when i finally started to open up, tell the truth of the happenings....aloow others in....take my friends shoulders...i learned i did not need to be embarassed because i was loved...by MANY....
I will take this next year, each day of it, as i continue the many steps after the first HUGE one i made to reflect, vent, acknowledge, and encourage...MYSELF, who I am...and others...
Its not as easy as it seems from the outside view....but i do realize each of us controls our own destiny and each of us determines our future...
No more backwards steps....just forward strides...my past is that for a reason...and things end with good cause...revisiting it, reattempting it is just setting oneself up for that inevitable failure over and over again....
So sit back...relax...enjoy the reading if you like...as I invite you...to come around this unexpected turn and find a new path with me......xo