MY Project 365....my life ever after....((day 7))

WOW...been at it a week already...that sure has flown by.....
its not easy to try to break your life down on a day to day basis, yet at the same time is such as release when you do have so much to get off your chest...
I want to thank my friends that have been there for me thru this...long before the blog started and for the right reasons...the one whom genuinely care, want to know that I am ok and support my decisions and offer their ears at anytime.
I will not pretend that this is easy on me, and I know not so many can truly relate.....some can on different levels, others not at all...tho thats not what truly always matters, its just knowing that you can let it all out, trust the person that you are letting it out to, and knowing that they genuinely care about you and your well being...
Still at moments it is surreal even to me...I mean who thinks "This will be my life, Divorce will be my life", when it was never something that I ever really believed in...I believed in sticking it out, for better or for worse, in good times and in bad....But i have opened my eyes and my mind that there are many exceptions even to that. There is someone for everyone and when you are with that right person, I am certain that those words truly reign true, but when arguments take over, and the fights are not fair....you have lost an equality that you need to make a relationship work. When the 100% investment from both sides no longer remains, perhaps it is time to say your good byes.
Now...I would like to say, while I am talking about this:
Please do not ask me "So, there is no chance?"; "you dont think there is any hope?", "maybe its because of this, maybe its because of that"..."Maybe if you just do this"....allow me to clarify, that OBVIOUSLY before I came to where I am, I thought of all these things OVER AND OVER again, I went thru every single excuse I could try to make, every piece of anything that I may be able to grasp onto, in search of those very answers....Its not like this is what I wanted...or what ANYONE would want...after spending so much time building a life, a home, a family, to have it all come crashing down in front of  you , is not something that any person seeks out to do.
So, please, lets remember, that tho yes, I am strong, VERY, and I am able to say that and extrememly proud of it, I dont not need to feel as though, I did something wrong, or should be questioning my choices. This was my last resort. As it should be, to me there was no reason to prolong something that was LONG overdue. No need to grasp at those things, that were truly nothing but thin air. And no need to continue to revisit them, in that way.
I know with most its not out of ill will or malice, just out of lack of relation to the topic, and that is ok....but hopefully this clears up any of those questions for any of you having them.
Many people do choose, to stay in their situations, and that is a conscious choice that THEY make....however, I do not know how anyone can live a life of make believe, where there truly is no marriage, let alone even a common respect or  friendship. I did attempt that as well, however, I do not want my daughter to ever think she is STUCK anywhere, to ever think that there are not other choices and not to ever not be able to take care of myself...and I think the same for me.
is it easy starting all over? NO...especially when my financial situation changed drastically with my inability to currently work due to my injuries...HOWEVER, that is still not excuse enough...One I would never "use" my husband simply staying for my own financial benefits, lacking my own self judgement, self esteem and self respect, just to "have someone", forgetting who I was or allowing my child to ever think they needed someone else to complete them. Someone else does not make you, or break you...unless you ALLOW that to be your life. YOU control you and ANYONE can be anything that they want, when they choose to stand in their feet and take some responsibility for themselves.
I am peaceful with where I am, as I have said....its not where I wanted to be, or where I ever imagined I would be BUT i know, its the best place for me RIGHT NOW. and that is by far, and accomplishment in itself.
You get what you allow in life....should it be good things, great things, love and respect, by all means, count and cherish those blessings and remember them daily, acknowledge them daily and even in times of anger, take a minute to remind yourself of them, and something positive that can still come from it.
The same though goes, when you consciously allow yourself to be a doormat, made to look a fool, and allow yourself to be what someone else says you are and have to be. No one fully understands the ability and capapbility of negative words, actions, unless they live them, but they do manipulate themselves into your mind enough to often make you believe them....and when you find yourself excusing that behavior from another, tolerating it, hiding it, ignoring it, hoping to change it....It is then that YOU need to be the change that you are searching for...and tho it may be all that you ever knew, and all that you ever think that you will have....I can tell you truthfully IT IS NOT....you will survive....and you will have so much more, even when you feel like you are losing it all. You are so much richer when you can celebrate yourself, take responsibility for yourself, and stop compromising yourself.
Its a BIG world, full of billions of dreams, and I will to the best of my ability live mine, in whatever ways I am capable of...and I wish the same for each one of you....
until tomorrow....<3

MY Project 365....my life ever after....((day 6))

I promised a big one tonight, for day 6 of MY Project 365...and that is what I am going to try to deliver....
Before I start, I want to make a few quick disclaimers, as I do have A LOT to say, it will NOT all pertain to me, but to my OPINIONS, my views and thoughts. A lot I have come to from what I am going thru and where I have been....a lot from my vision of the situations...and questions that have arisen from seeing, hearing, living, watching, enduring and so on....
Should you be reading this, and think "is she talking about me?"...I may be....perhaps not. You see, a lot of the time, one thing can pertain to many, and i will not ever mention names in my blog, without permission, or unless giving praise....and i will again always let that person know, my intentions in doing so prior too.
However, as I am using this as a release for myself...a learning experience, and a key to conquering my new journey, I am also hoping by chance that maybe i can help others, allow them something to relate to, something to grasp onto, maybe change outlooks, and strive to make us all see, that no one is perfect and we can all use some adjustments on our outlooks on life and many other things......
Take it all for what it is worth....remember, you CHOSE to read....it may not mean a thing to you, and that as well, is perfectly fine....
With that being said....HERE WE GO....
((follow me as i itemize my points to keep myself from rambling and to stay focused on one subject at a time unless the two absolutely go hand in hand....))

1.) Life: I believe our lives are only what we make of them....we chose our paths, most of them at least...and we can change the outcomes. When something bad happens, we should learn from it...not use it as an excuse or a crutch. I understand that often this may be easier said than done, however, at some point we MUST take responsibility for ourselves....Things that happen to us, are what we ALLOW to happen to us. We get what we give and we must take caution with words and actions. We all have our moments, and we all go thru tough times..no one can say they live a perfect life, and those who do, are nothing short of LYING. (and trust me, the colors on that pretty picture too, will fade one day). When something is not going right...we need to look inside ourselves, instead of so pointing a finger at someone else, as we so easily can do. None of us want to take blame for things that do not turn out right, and so often i see so many find the easiest excuse they have to push it elsewhere....However, you must remember, we only control ourselves, no one else. i try to look at everything with an open mind, and I can openly and honestly admit my faults...I can acknowledge my mistakes and take them as a lesson. I will not ask for pity, and then flaunt myself abusing the sympathy I just asked for. If i want a good life, I know that I am the one that has to make it that way. Staying in a bad situation, or blowing it off as though it has not happened, does not fix it, but temporarily. You will see that it will again find its way back, only to leave you with a bigger mess the second, third, fourth time around. So weigh options and figure out where you go from there, how you can fix it, and be smart. No one realizes how quickly you can lose EVERYTHING, tho I think there are some that need to, and perhaps it will be then that they will wake up from fantasy land!!!! Everything cannot be okay all of the time, and it keeps the balance in our lives, but is not an excuse to lack basic sense and responsibility. And I am running out of tolerance with all of these so called adults that I see have none!!!!!....now lets move on....
2.)The Past: When something ends, it ends....if you have once chosen to forgive someone do that whole heartedly and move on. However, remember that when a door closes, it had good reason, and there really is another one ready to open....you just have to get there.....it may not be as quickly as you like, and may take quite some time to get there, but be grateful for that...for it is in that time that you are given the chance to grow, make changes, adjust your life and learn!!! You would be suprised just how amazing things can turn out when you least expect them to, and what you may come across along the way. The best journey of life, starts with the one where you find peace in yourself, and are ready to move forward and never look back. Its scary, but that a part of the thrill and the greatness, overcoming that fear, knowing you can stand on your own, and waiting for life to take you to where you belong....and when you get there...YOU WILL KNOW.
3.)Friendships: This subject, ESPECIALLY at this point in my life, right at this time (tho of course dear and valuable all of the time)...is very important for me to acknowledge.....
Tho its easy to say we have a lot of friends...i know i can count my closest ones on my hands...and i firmly believe that is a gift, the trust the love, the loyalty. Friendships are multi-dimensional not one sided, and they are something that all of us need. With your real friends, you can find out quickly, who they are, when you can state your opinion, your feelings, your thoughts, and even if they do not agree, they still remain. If you are upset with them, you can say it, and not have to worry that they are going to walk away. You can speak freely and openly....and know that, that person will always be there. There are many important factors to me in a friendship, especially with my best friends...tho the most important, must be trust and honesty. If you can not be honest with the other, or if they get one story while you see everyone else get another, unfortunately you come to a point where you realize, it cannot work. i know, especially with one friend, i could be infuriated with her...BUT...I CAN TELL HER...and we would talk it out...she wouldnt comment about it, make remarks about it....she'd take what I said to heart and we together would fix it, and I would of course also do the same opposite the situation...and this is how it should be...you should never have to watch your words, or wonder what the truth is....and if there is a problem, or you have something to say, SAY IT, dont beat around the bush, hide things, make random petty posts....care about the other person and yourself enough to just TALK. When we cannnot act like adults with one another, it perhaps is a fabulous indicator that we have no business sharing anything. Value who you  have and why you have them...treat them how  you want to be treated. be careful if you accuse or point fingers, when others can in retrospect often see you with dirty hands as well. Love your friends, you will need them, and they will need you, Choose wisely and be true. Loyalty and honesty go so much farther than we think. ((i do love all of you..and you know who you are))
4.) Love/Relationships/Marriage/break ups, endings and in betweens:
Everyone loves being in love. To have someone to share your life with. To share hopes and dreams, to have security, to have your best friend always there, to be able to share anything and everything. To have a partner and an equal. a teammate. these people are true blessings in our lives. they bring us joy and happiness, that fuzzy feeling....we learn how to love and be loved and how to grow together. Cherish this, and them, value what you have and do not take it for granted. it is the little things that count, the small gestures, and the big dreams. But, in the midst of this...please do not compromise who you are and what you are worth. Do not lose yourself in anyone else, and have the ability to know when you have reach a toxic level. Be strong enough to walk away, and be smart enough to know when. The longer you avoid the inevitable...the more painful, confusing and heart breaking it will be. What you do not realize is you will really be doing this to yourself...and you do get exactly what you allow....Now let me say before i continue, I celebrate the happy endings, I congratulate them and wish you a lifetime of amazing love, joy an happiness, I right now want to speak tho, to those I see give up on who they are to try and hold onto something that is not there....so understand I am not just this bitter on her way to being a divorcee vengeful bitch LOL...I promsise that is NOT the case, I made my choices FOR ME...and because I KNEW i had to...and I have very much peace in that, not anger or hate....They take up too much room in my heart....now continuing....I hear so often how we are waiting for someone to change, how maybe this time they got the point, maybe they will be different....Let me start with this...you cannot change ANYONE, so please do not hold your breath. The only person that you can change is you...so when something is not working, remove yourself from it, you can attempt to fix something ONLY with someone that is willing to do that with you. That does not mean, the at the time sob story that lasts a few days or weeks, that does not mean tolerarting repetitive behavior in hopes that all the sudden they may just decide to be all that you want them to. It is NOT going to happen. If it has not yet, It wont. You cannot use another as your crutch out of fear of being alone or out of fear for starting anew. And even the idea of that sounds relatively RIDICULOUS. i will even use myself as an example here for a minute...you see tho i know my situation has its contributing factors, i also know that i was NOT being treated nicely, respectfully or in anyway how I deserved, and that alone, was my biggest wake up call. I was being called names, and being degraded, and that is not tolerable behavior from any adult in any situation. You do not talk to people in that way, or treat them as being less than you...it is very damaging, and often it is believed. It did happen to me for awhile, and I was in a BAD place inside....I stayed longer than I should have but not TOO long. When you do not have a fair partnership you do not have ANYTHING....when the past is used against you, when names a thrown, when other men or women are brought into the situation, when you have someone that has put their own pleasures and entertainment above you or your family, you have already lost. Making excuses and catering to this behavior, hearing the occasional bs line, is not going to change any of this....instead its making YOU look like the fool...and I am not referring to any ONE particular person, because there are quite many that I can relate some portion of this to. You need to be the change and take control of your life. It is true that love can blind us, but so can comfort and fear. you will never know what you are made of, until you actually do something about it....its never going to be easy or ever seem like the right time, but remember, you will be the only one hurt in the end, the other will just carry on with what they are doing....you will be the one lost, as they have very clearly shown who they are, and made it apparent, that its not about you. use caution and good judgement, be careful what you allow in your life when you have children...no one can hide things from them, even when you think that you can....TRUST ME, that is very true, and I have first hand knowledge of that in more ways than one. There is a happily ever after out there for everyone, but you have to have the courage to find it if you havent. If your time is arguments, and proving yourself, trying to get attention and trying to be loved, stop settling and move on....you cannot get anywhere when you wont walk past the front door!!!!!!! There is NO EXCUSE great enough for ever being mistreated, not cared for, neglected or abused, cheated on, lied to or maipulated. NONE. and repetitive behaviors only intensify that statement. You always have options ALWAYS...no one is STUCK anywhere....there are so many ways to get help, help yourself, and make your life the best that it can be.....but YOU have to choose to do so.

Now I am going to wrap this up...I just want to say....I have found so much comfort in the whole situation and i am glad to have myself back again....I hope that each of you have the same and that if you do not, you do your best to achieve it...whatever it takes. because you are worth it. i pray again that some find responsibility and learn to stop discrediting their situations. Make smart choices and the right choices. It only takes a minute to lose everything, so make sure you have all that you want and that if you dont you work to get there and when you do, you work to keep it. Count your blessings and love your friends and families. Smile, Laugh, Enjoy life....make it one worth living. Full of memories and full of pride. Make it beautiful!