MY Project 365....my life ever after....((Day 2))

Evening Friends....
So...here we go at the attempt to continue this journey thru words, feelings and thoughts...with the end of day 2 of My project nearing...I find myself thinking what it is today that I should share...
I think today, I would first like to count my blessings...
My beautiful little girl, that has come so far, truly a miracle and the most incredible gift that God has ever blessed me with. My amazing family..who walk thru everyday with me, sometimes holding me up...always offering support and UNCONDITIONAL love and for that I will be ever grateful...my incredible, unique, miraculous group of friends, whom each hold a different yet special place in my heart and who I know i could never do without...each of you mean so much to me...and though to try to break that down uniquely for each of you would take me all of eternity, know that I feel blessed to have you, blessed to know you and so lucky to call you mine. When push comes to shove here in this crazy life, and i look back on these few simple aspects, i realize, i am truly wealthy in the most amazing sort of way...and I with this circle of support, friendship and gifts...I can conquer, just about ANYTHING.

I want to take a minute to acknowledge what marriage meant to me...why i said my vows, and what to me they meant....why i held on for so long, simply because I do not break promises and try to hold hope in the slight chance that things can turn around...
To me...marriage is Love, first and foremost a partnership...and understanding of one another and a mutual respect. To put someone above all others and to remember that promise, those vows in even the most troubled and difficult of times....To take each day as it comes...TOGETHER and to unite in a life that holds value in unity, not separation.
All of these things applied to every word i spoke to my husband in the church on August 8th. As the tears fell, and my heart rate sped, and as I stared into his eyes....I meant with my whole heart the promises I was making...and to the best of my ability, I stuck to those promises.
As we all know, not everyday is perfect, and some are just down right bad, for lack of better wording...times can be crazy and life can consume us. Often we take for granted the very small things, that in retrospect we realize how important those things were and it was them that truly mattered the most.
I know that our relationship for many reasons was far different from some others...as we spent the majority of our time together and 3/4 of our marriage living separately...and when this happens i fully believe in contributes to the fact of having lives going in opposite directions and losing the everyday comfort that you once had with one another and having it replaced with nervousness and uncertainty...to the outside it seems different...like its so easy to pick up where you left off the week before...how excited you must be when you see one another...however, its often rather the opposite. You forget how to act with this person, and second guess your actions...you lose the comfort of what you were used to everyday and the intimacy that you once shared...the novelty wears off and you realize you may have even lost far more than that.
Now I will not blame this on the failure, I will only acknowledge it as a contributing factor. i do tho firmly believe that marriages can be saved and that when you make those vows you should stand by them...but unfortuneately you cannot do that alone and you also cannot do that when you realize a lot of love has been replaced with a lot of resentment...
to hear the person that asked you to marry then and told you that you were the love of his life, blatantly look at you and tell you they hate you is a heart shattering feeling and one that you never forget...perhaps it was said in anger, which is why though i believe even in extreme ire, we must choose our words carefuly..because once a word is spoken, it engraves itself into our memory, into our soul and the negative words seem to have the longest lasting impressions..
I wont say it was always this way...or that I even think this man is a bad person...I think tho, know tho, that anyone that resorts to name calling, belittling, holding the past and tally marks over ones head, has unresolved issues that THEY need to deal with and instead are using as a battle sword against another in an effort to appear right and protect their own ego....and as i said...once spoken, the damage is done....
Even so much that I found myself at tines believing some of these things...about myself...thinking i was worth nothing and truly feeling as tho i was not a good wife or mother...i finally did hit a breaking point...and tho its was hin that wanted time to think it was that second of those words that i for just a minute WOKE UP...and relaized...how could i ever be living my life this way...why was i....who had i become....and why would i allow ANYONE to make me feel like this...let alone BELIEVE it??
I pray for him daily...to find peace in his heart and with his life...to find happiness and regain who he once was...because I can honestly say that person is BEAUTIFUL and i have seen it and experienced that first hand..and even tho, i lost it....as did he....I will forever be grateful for the time i did have and all that i learned,
i have also realized that forever can conform itself to different situations and means different things at different times...its not a set in stone period of time, not defined by months, or years or lifetimes, but by what its is RIGHT NOW.
that door of my forever is closing...and everyday i find more peace within that. i learn a little more, i heal a little more and i move forward a little more...and i begin to see me again...the strong, opinionated, honest, caring, loving and accomplished person, mother, friend that i once knew i was...and if for nothing less, I thank God so gratefully for this experience, even it being a negative, hurtful, heartbreaking one, for giving me ME back.......
until tomorrow....
DARE TO LET GO

MY Project 365....my life ever after....

So...I am really inspired by the project 365 blogs...and the different and variable twists on them....
Well...this is mine.....

I am obviously venturing out into a whole new part of this life, on a turn that i had not expected, yet one that i now welcome with open eyes, an open mind and an open(tho slightly guarded heart). Life is definitely full of suprises and even the heart  breaking ones can often be a blessing in disguise....
I am prepared to have good days and bad ones, to understand that not one part of this has been or will be easy and to know that I from this point on control my future. I will not live with hate, in my heart, resentment or fear....I know that God has given me just another lessen and made me strong enough to remember who I am and what i deserve....

The biggest part of this for me, is finding myself again....knowing who I am and remembering my strength. To not tolerate anything less than what i deserve and to be grateful for all that I do have.....this is my journey, from now until ever after....

Some of you know, some of you do not....On August 8, 2009 I married the love of my life...the one who changed my world.....the one i never thought that i could do without....I could not have asked for more...a beautiful home, an amazing, intelligent daughter and walking down the aisle, making vows and sharing a life with the man I was going to spend forever with....
Here's the thing....forever....that forever....is over....
Just as quickly as I had fallen for him, this man to me that seemed to be perfection, that i felt this incredible connection with and that i pictured this amazing life with....it all came crashing down...
As i reflect I guess there were a lot of clues...a lot of things...maybe we did jump all in too fast....maybe the separation when he was away was too great a strain for two people just beginning their lives together...BUT...i know also there was much more to it than that...will he ever admit that...NO....but some have seen it...some have witnessed it....some have heard it...but for the most part i painted a beautiful picture of something that was just not so pretty.....and eventually those colors too started to run...fade...and change...
You get to this point where something snaps...and you for a split second have the courage to admit you are not happy...that no matter how long you have tried to fix it...its never been the "right" way...I love you's you relaize have turned into I HATE YOUs(never from me...i cannot say that to people...i understand the damage those words do..)...instead of being called honey...you are now many other things none so nice.....
and you wonder how you got to this place....and for what reason you continued to live in it...the occasional apologies and the attempts to sweep it under the rug have just created a BIG pile of dust and most importantly you no longer really recognize yourself...you have started to belivee some of the things said to you and actually find yourself second guessing almost everything you do and say....so you shut yourself off....at least i did....UNTIL NOW>
And though some days are hard...and at first i never thought that i would get thru this...i realized when i finally started to open up, tell the truth of the happenings....aloow others in....take my friends shoulders...i learned i did not need to be embarassed because i was loved...by MANY....
I will take this next year, each day of it, as i continue the many steps after the first HUGE one i made to reflect, vent, acknowledge, and encourage...MYSELF, who I am...and others...
Its not as easy as it seems from the outside view....but i do realize each of us controls our own destiny and each of us determines our future...
No more backwards steps....just forward strides...my past is that for a reason...and things end with good cause...revisiting it, reattempting it is just setting oneself up for that inevitable failure over and over again....
So sit back...relax...enjoy the reading if you like...as I invite you...to come around this unexpected turn and find a new path with me......xo