MY Project 365....my life ever after....

So...I am really inspired by the project 365 blogs...and the different and variable twists on them....
Well...this is mine.....

I am obviously venturing out into a whole new part of this life, on a turn that i had not expected, yet one that i now welcome with open eyes, an open mind and an open(tho slightly guarded heart). Life is definitely full of suprises and even the heart  breaking ones can often be a blessing in disguise....
I am prepared to have good days and bad ones, to understand that not one part of this has been or will be easy and to know that I from this point on control my future. I will not live with hate, in my heart, resentment or fear....I know that God has given me just another lessen and made me strong enough to remember who I am and what i deserve....

The biggest part of this for me, is finding myself again....knowing who I am and remembering my strength. To not tolerate anything less than what i deserve and to be grateful for all that I do have.....this is my journey, from now until ever after....

Some of you know, some of you do not....On August 8, 2009 I married the love of my life...the one who changed my world.....the one i never thought that i could do without....I could not have asked for more...a beautiful home, an amazing, intelligent daughter and walking down the aisle, making vows and sharing a life with the man I was going to spend forever with....
Here's the thing....forever....that forever....is over....
Just as quickly as I had fallen for him, this man to me that seemed to be perfection, that i felt this incredible connection with and that i pictured this amazing life with....it all came crashing down...
As i reflect I guess there were a lot of clues...a lot of things...maybe we did jump all in too fast....maybe the separation when he was away was too great a strain for two people just beginning their lives together...BUT...i know also there was much more to it than that...will he ever admit that...NO....but some have seen it...some have witnessed it....some have heard it...but for the most part i painted a beautiful picture of something that was just not so pretty.....and eventually those colors too started to run...fade...and change...
You get to this point where something snaps...and you for a split second have the courage to admit you are not happy...that no matter how long you have tried to fix it...its never been the "right" way...I love you's you relaize have turned into I HATE YOUs(never from me...i cannot say that to people...i understand the damage those words do..)...instead of being called honey...you are now many other things none so nice.....
and you wonder how you got to this place....and for what reason you continued to live in it...the occasional apologies and the attempts to sweep it under the rug have just created a BIG pile of dust and most importantly you no longer really recognize yourself...you have started to belivee some of the things said to you and actually find yourself second guessing almost everything you do and say....so you shut yourself off....at least i did....UNTIL NOW>
And though some days are hard...and at first i never thought that i would get thru this...i realized when i finally started to open up, tell the truth of the happenings....aloow others in....take my friends shoulders...i learned i did not need to be embarassed because i was loved...by MANY....
I will take this next year, each day of it, as i continue the many steps after the first HUGE one i made to reflect, vent, acknowledge, and encourage...MYSELF, who I am...and others...
Its not as easy as it seems from the outside view....but i do realize each of us controls our own destiny and each of us determines our future...
No more backwards steps....just forward strides...my past is that for a reason...and things end with good cause...revisiting it, reattempting it is just setting oneself up for that inevitable failure over and over again....
So sit back...relax...enjoy the reading if you like...as I invite you...to come around this unexpected turn and find a new path with me......xo